#i cannot express how much this means to me

[egophiliac]

OMG EGO HAVE YOU SEEN THE BOOK 7 CATER CARD YET

80s britpunk Cater is such an incredible direction to take. his Sid Vicious jacket! his little british police cap! I wouldn't have anticipated that going full-on Sex Pistols would be his alternate self but it is SO fitting actually. 😭

(also th-the crown symbol?! the gavel?! is housewarden Cater real because I will TRANSCEND --)

[hyuckmov]

haechan — settle down (rockstar hyuck) | part 3 of 3

wc: 11k (lol) genre: angst, smut (18+ minors dni), fluff warnings: unprotected sex, making out, creampies, fingering, oral (f recieving), lowkey don't have that dog in me anymore so this is kind of vanilla, dirty talk, aftercare...? needs to be read after part 1 and 2 a/n: fucking finally. so so so sorry for the wait and also this is lowkey probably so BAD because its been a hot minute since i've written for tumblr. because this could be written/ended in so many ways, AN EPILOGUE IS COMING with a 'happy' ending, just not putting it here in this part because i think i should post this out first on it's own. i love you guys so much, thank you to every single person who's read, commented, let me know how much you liked it, and waited so patiently. i cannot express how much it means to me.

—

"whose party is this again?" 

"jaemin's friend chenle," mark says, placing his drink down on one of the tables. "think they should be around here somewhere." 

through the smoke, he can see your eyes shine. you've come even closer now, and it's as if every movement of yours is liquified, rendered in slow-motion – you flick a strand of hair out of your face and it's like he can feel the damp air on your cheeks, a slow smile spreading across your face like sunrise spilling over the horizon, that lovely curl of your lip that he's memorized. he feels his chest cave in when he hears you laugh, feel you take another step closer to him even though your eyes never meet his, even though you never look his way – every memory he has of you threatening to burst through his seams. 

your skin glows under the dizzying lights, and all he can think about is the fact that you’re so close, he could reach out his hand and touch you. but he can’t. you weren't his – and he was the one who had thrown you away.

jisung comes up to you, and haechan can see his friend's shy smile met with your beaming grin as you turn to face him. jisung is saying something to you – a hand gently placed on your shoulder as he speaks into your ear, the other gesturing vaguely towards the upstairs rooms. and then you're nodding, and haechan watches wide-eyed as he takes your hand in his and begins guiding you up the stairs. 

he can't help it – he only waits a beat, enough for you to disappear up the stairs, before he's rushing through the crowd, climbing the stairs two at a time. he rounds the corner just as he sees the flick of your skirt as you disappear into the nearest room, the door clicking shut softly. taking a moment to calm himself down – chest heaving, wringing his hands – he pads softly towards the room, placing both hands on the door, straining to hear anything that might be going on. 

low voices. the rustling of fabric. haechan's imagination spun out of control – jisung's large hands on your skin, his plush lips exploring your neck, your soft sounds, the way you might look under him. he heard a light laugh, and he pressed even closer to try to catch what was being said – what if he had you on his lap? what if you laughed because he'd kissed you behind the ear like haechan did once? it had caught you by surprise, and you'd giggled – burying your face in the crook of his neck. you were sorry. you were just sensitive. haechan had wanted to pull you into his chest and never let you go. 

he knew he was breaking his own heart – over-analyzing each muffled sound that came through, all his thoughts drifting back to memories of you. but he couldn't seem to peel himself away as the party raged on and on downstairs, didn't want to be anywhere else but near you even if you didn't know he was there. he had never felt this way with anyone else before – never needed anyone else like this, never afraid like this – and the realisation roared loud in his ears along with the feverish ghost of your fingerprints all over his skin. 

–

jisung knows haechan's going to talk to him. 

can see it in the way he hangs back after practice, fiddling with his guitar and placing it back on its stand, before picking it back up again for no real reason. there was something off, slightly, about haechan these days. not enough for jeno or mark to comment about it, to hold an intervention, but things had definitely changed – haechan never brought around girls, or showed any interest when jeno and mark would discuss them. he was quiet, and subdued during practice, absorbed in his own guitar, or else discussing new songs with mark in low voices. and strangest of all – jisung mused, slinging his own bass over his shoulder as he ambled to the door – haechan started to seem afraid of jisung. 

jisung – who had for the longest time been the most timid and shy of the group, the least experienced by far. he remembered how haechan would tease him if a girl paid him any slightest bit of attention: half-joking, but half trying to build up his friend's confidence. he remembered how he used to be wary of haechan's attention at after-show parties, because haechan would watch him like a hawk and push him into any girls he showed the vaguest interest in. he remembered his shock at haechan, who had never been mean or vindictive – a pain sometimes yes, but never truly cruel to him –, standing there obstinately in his place on stage, staring down at you in the crowd. 

to the version of haechan now, who could barely look him in the eye. 

"jisung?" 

haechan clears his throat. jisung stops in his tracks, turning back to look at haechan. 

"yeah?" 

haechan's gaze is directed at his shoes. swallowing, he takes a moment before he asks. "uh…how was…um…how've you been?" 

jisung has to stop himself from laughing out loud. "i've been good," he says, amiably. he's not going to let haechan have it easy. 

"nice…nice," haechan mumbles. "uh…seeing anybody?" 

"haechan," he keeps his tone light. "come on." he moves towards where haechan is standing awkwardly, taking a seat down on one of the stools. after a beat, haechan sits down too. 

"how did it go with y/n?" haechan sounds almost timid – like a child asking a question, but scared of knowing the answer. 

"can't you ask her yourself?" he knows he's making things difficult, but he needs haechan to work for it. needs haechan to articulate, because he knows that's the least you deserve. 

"i…i could," haechan says. "but i…i don't want to seem possessive. i already fucked up by wishing her luck on the date and i just…" he buries his face in his hands. jisung doesn't say a thing, waiting for him to finish his sentence. "i don't want to hurt her anymore…but i need to know. i need to know what to expect.…" haechan's voice is so small, like he's disappearing into himself. 

"haechan…" he starts, slowly, but haechan cuts in, hurriedly. 

"if you really love her, jisung, if you're happy together, i'll back off. i won't see her again. it'll be…it'll be too hard to see her with you but that's for me to figure out. you…you should both be happy. she deserves you, ji. you'll be good for each other." 

"what are you even saying…" jisung lets out a nervous laugh. he knows haechan tends to get dramatic – loves blowing moments out of proportion, lingering on stories that were fun to tell and relive. loves to exaggerate – always taking the smallest details too seriously and making light of things that had real consequences. but as he watches haechan – curled in on himself, he sees that this is something else entirely. this haechan was anxious and overthinking, unsure of himself, fractured into a thousand different wants and needs. 

"i'm serious, jisung." haechan, the vocalist he is, keeps his voice as steady as possible. "i'll back off if you tell me to. if i'm making it hard for you in any way…" 

"haechan, it's…it's going to be fine. it's not what you think." 

"you…you're not together now?" a hint of hopefulness. 

jisung chooses to be kind. "we're not," he says, gently. when haechan's lips part, he continues on, interrupting him. "it had nothing to do with you. we're just…not." 

"i'm sorry," haechan murmurs, finally lifting his head. "i know you wanted it to work out." he truly means it.

"i'm happy with the way things are now," jisung says it, and he means it too. "but…but you know she's going to start seeing other people, right?" 

a beat. "yeah…yeah of course." 

"you can't go after all of them and ask them if it's working out or not, you know?" jisung says, wryly. "at some point…you need to just talk to her." 

"i…" haechan break off, a pained expression flitting over his face. "i don't have anything to say. but i really want her to be happy. i just want her to be happy. but it sounds…" he catches the look on jisung's face. "i know it sounds like a guilt-trip. i know what it sounds like." 

"give her space," jisung suggests, quietly. "figure out what you're willing to give. who you can be for her."

"hyuck or haechan." he says it almost spitefully. he had never hated the difference more. 

-

you were in the crowd today. 

it had been a little over a month – 6 days more, to be exact, – since haechan had last seen you in the crowd, each time spotting your face easily, everyone else fading to nothing. each time noting every which way your eyes shimmered under the lights, the ways your pretty lips curved into a smile or a shout, or even each time you looked away, distracted. 

he'd practically rushed into the dressing room after the show ended, anxious hands tugging at his clothes, trying to fix himself up just in case you decided to come find him. questions had spun around in his mind so much during the show, he was afraid he would start singing them in place of mark's carefully written lyrics. he's thought of a thousand ways to bring it up, but he wishes he could just ask — how've you been? have you forgotten me? 

he's still lost in thought when the dressing room door opens softly, the lock turning gently in the door barely louder than a whisper. 

"haechan?" 

he turns, and you're there. you're wearing a new dress, probably the shortest one he's ever seen on you, black glittery fabric barely brushing the tops of your thighs. but he doesn't linger on your body, his eyes seeking out your own, the flush of anticipation and adrenaline in your cheeks, the way your hair falls slightly loose, framing your face. the question is on the tip of his tongue, his lips are parting, his breath catches in his throat –  

" – don't worry," you say, breathlessly, as you catch the look on his face. "no one saw me." 

oh. 

walking towards him, you pull him into a hug, arms wrapping around his neck, so you can brush your lips against his cheek. pulling away, you peer at him, wondering why he's looking at you so lost. like he was wondering something since he laid eyes on you tonight.

you frown. "were you going to ask me something else?" 

his lips part, soundlessly. you've never seen him so speechless. his arms tentatively circle around your waist, fingers brushing the fabric of your dress, and understanding dawns on you. 

"yes, it's a new dress," you smile. 

he swallows, the cloudy look clearing from his eyes as he finally runs his heavy touch down your back, a feeling you've grown used to. 

his tone is slightly darker when he plays along, masking the traces of disappointment. "for me?" 

you nod, letting his hands wander to the zipper, eyes traveling to the mirror to catch the way he fiddles with it, slowly starting to drag it down your spine. 

what you don't catch, is the way he's looking at you – lip caught between his teeth, eyes focused on the side of your face, regret and sadness and a desire he still couldn't shake coursing through his body. you had come back – and maybe that was all that he should care about. 

"come home with me," he blurts out, suddenly. "i have to show you something." 

confused, you look back at him, frowning. "now?" 

he swallows. "yes. we'll still…it's just…" he stammers, confidence draining as he watches you zip your dress back up. "i mean…i just…thought you'd like my bedroom more than this dressing room. you said- you said it was uncomfortable, that last time…" he trails off. his head droops, fingers picking at his nails. 

you place your hands on his chest. his head lifts just slightly, glancing at you through his lashes. "haechan," the ache in your chest making your voice soft – barely above a whisper. "why are you so nervous today?" 

"i'm sorry," he starts, but you shake your head. "it's been awhile."

"that's fine, i'll go home with you," you say, smiling, hoping to reassure him. the words instantly relax him, and he lets out a breath. you can feel his chest move under your palms. 

"i'm sorry," he repeats, softly, but you don't know what he's saying it for. 

–

you don't know how you ended up here. 

one moment, haechan was unlocking his door, one hand fumbling with the keys as he held yours tightly in his other palm. the next, you were pushing him against the door – his plush lips, soft and tasting slightly like honeyed lip balm, finally kissing you deeply in a way you'd craved. and then he was sweeping you up into his arms, your legs locked in around his waist, his bag slumping to the floor as he focused all his attention on you. placing you on the countertop, he takes his time with your lips – his hand first cupping your face, then working its way down your neck, as if he was making sure you were wholly real through touch since his eyes were closed for the kiss. 

"hyuck?" you murmur. 

guilt pricks at your conscience when you feel him falter. you would never admit that you realized the name did something to him – made him more desperate and more tender all at once. you used it sparingly, only in certain moments, and tonight seemed just right for it, what with the way his touch was already so infused with longing. 

he hums in acknowledgement, pausing. a gentle palm tilts your face towards his, and his eyes are wide and patient. 

"what's wrong?" he asks. 

"i want to suck you off," you mumble, your words coming out rushed and careless. you almost think he might not catch it, but haechan goes still. his hands, caressing your face, stop moving.  

"what?"

your mind explodes with a million thoughts. did he not want you to? how many girls had sucked him off before you – did he think you wouldn't be good enough? was he not attracted to you enough? 

he was still just looking at you – something unreadable in his eyes. 

"do you not want me to?" you ask, doubt making your tone come off a little more insecure than you'd have liked. "is it…is it because i've never done it before?" 

he blinks. "what?" he repeats, again. 

you shift, uneasy. "you can teach me," you insist, holding onto his arms, wanting to be closer to him. "i'll practice…" 

"oh god," he whispers. "oh… oh y/n…" his hands barely skim your skin, nervously tucking your hair behind your ear. "don't," he says, quietly. 

"why?"

i don't want to hurt you," he says, voice so tender it wavers under the weight of his feelings for you. "being able to touch you is already everything to me-" he trails off, biting his lip, and then he's weak in the knees, and you melt into his embrace as he holds your body against his. "i don't want you to do anything you're uncomfortable with." 

"i want to please you like the girls before," you protest, weakly. "i want to…i want you to tell me your fantasies." 

"all that matters to me," he says, slowly, eyes suddenly grave and solemn. "is that i'm here with you. just you." he holds your hands up to his lips and kisses the tips of your fingers. 

you don't know what to say. the charged atmosphere from before has dissolved into the night, leaving a balmy and sweet taste on your tongue. the only thing that feels right is to hold him in your arms and hold him as close as you can. 

he's looking at you, before suddenly pulling you into him as if he could read your mind – arms wrapped protectively around your back, one hand coming up to stroke your hair as you lean into his chest. 

the memory of that first night comes back to you – the first time he rejected you. he hadn't wanted to hurt you then, either. and then he proceeded to in all ways possible – playing with your heart in a terrible back and forth. and then he disappeared from your life, and then he came back and something was different – in the way he touched you, looked for you, looked at you, was careful with you. 

but you moved on – told jaemin, told yourself you weren't waiting. you'd gone on a date with jisung, and then to some more with a few other guys on campus. you didn't hang around the band all the time now – didn't show up for every concert. and even when you did, you rarely stopped by to see haechan – spending more and more time with jisung, who was steadily becoming one of your closest friends. 

you tried to keep things light when you did visit haechan. always easy, relishing in how well he knew how to please you, how he always knew what to say. and for the most part, he was able to play along – a smile always tugging at the corner of his lips, or his tongue poking into his cheek as his eyes turned dark. 

but it was on nights like these – when the moon was a bit too bright and the air between your lips and his dense like honey, your skin heated and his face flushed – when you used the wrong name, or he said things too vulnerable and too intimate. it was on nights like these when you are faced with the reality that he made you feel the way no one else could – even as he was ever-changing, ever showing you a different side of himself. on these nights you plunge your hands deep into the kaleidoscope of him, and its like diving into shattered glass. 

–

"i wanted to show you this," he murmurs, shyly. 

he places a pair of headphones clumsily on your head, his long fingers scrambling to adjust it on your head, trying not to pull at your hair. your hands come up to help, and you shoot him a reassuring smile. 

it was even later in the night. you were both showered and dressed for bed – you in a long-sleeved shirt of his that you liked. when you came into the bedroom, he was fiddling with his laptop – and you could hear snippets of his honey-sweet voice starting and stopping as he tapped at his keyboard. it was natural, to head over to the bed and lean your head on his shoulder, as he started to explain to you what he was doing, eventually grabbing his headphones from the bedside table. his skin smells faintly of baby powder, and his bare face under the dim light is so soft – mellowed curves, the constellation of moles on his cheek ever visible, eyes tired but warm. 

he clicks play, and his voice fills your ears – clean, without any backing vocals or instruments. you try to catch the lyrics, but he mumbles through his words, voice meandering effortlessly around the melodies, drawing beautiful loops. his voice is delicate and gentle, flowing water with a current of electricity running through it, humming and buzzing with dangerous life. 

it ends all too quickly, and haechan – who was watching your face carefully the entire time, clicks on a few more tracks. you can hear his voice, muffled from under the headphones, start to explain. 

"that's…that's my draft for the melody. i made it for this, uh, it's one of mark's demos–" 

a sultry, low beat now plays, low strings filling in the gaps. when his voice leaks in, you feel your cheeks start to heat up. the same melody from before – so innocuous and sweet, maybe something even vulnerable – sounds sinful all of a sudden. you can practically hear the scream of the crowd punctuating each line, and now even the way he mumbles is hazed with a sort of suggestive glow. 

you look at him, wide-eyed. he's still watching your face, this time his lip caught between his teeth, looking up at you through his lashes. when the song ends, you tug the headphones down from your ears, and he takes them from you absentmindedly.

"mark told me to try writing for that. he said it suited my voice —" 

"it does," you respond. your hands reach out to play with his, tracing the way his fingers curved, running your touch along his calloused finger-tips. 

"but i…i don't know. i want to write something…something that feels…" he stumbles over his words, eyes lingering on the way your hands play with his, the gentleness of your touch. "that feels like this," he finishes, softly. 

"like what?" you hum, tracing loops on the back of his hand. 

but he doesn't respond. 

"do you like it?" he asks, quietly. 

you give his hand a squeeze. "sing it for me?" 

his hand trails off to the keyboard again, but you hold it steady in your palm. "no, sing it for me now. here." 

he's still. you almost think he won't do it, but then he's pushing the screen of his laptop shut, and he turns to face you. 

this time, when he sings, he gets all the words out. 

in person, his voice is hushed and soft, like every word is a secret. his eyes flutter shut, and he ducks his head shyly as he continues. when he ends, his voice trails off, and he doesn't turn to look at you, staring at his hands. you stay silent, until it's like he can't bear it, and his head turns to face you, eyes seeking reassurance. 

"i like it just like this," you tell him, softly. 

his smile blooms. 

—

"keep haechan on his toes," jaemin says, leaning back in his chair. the steam from the coffee he made – a 2am jaemin specialty — curled gently in the air, your hands nursing the mug in front of you, sipping just to have something to do. "don't see him for awhile. keep him guessing." 

"that's cruel," you mumble. 

"he's done crueler," he points out. "you know you don't owe him anything, right?"

"i know i don't," you say, slowly. "i just think that it would kill me not to know how he's doing. if he was going on dates with other people…" 

"and would he tell you?" 

no, is your automatic answer, one you can't run from in your head, but jisung cuts in. 

"he wouldn't go on a date with someone else," he shakes his head, leaning back in his chair so he could stretch out his long limbs. blinking sleep from his eyes, he shook his head again to clear his bangs away from his eyes. it had been late already when he showed up, after a show, bringing food, a tired but giddy smile on his face. "you really fucked him up, that's all i'm going to say."

"he may not go on a date, but he'd fuck someone else, probably." jaemin rolls his eyes. 

"we actually haven't fucked in awhile." the realization feels like butterflies in your chest – an uneasy, fluttery feeling. 

"what?" jisung looks at you in disbelief. "sorry," he adds, suddenly sheepish when both you and jaemin stare at him. "i just thought that was the big part of your relationship." 

"it was…" you say, slowly. ignoring how jisung said 'relationship' when it was really never that. "but…but i don't know. recently we always get distracted…or… or he's… i don't know." 

you think of his unmade bed. the careful, tender loop of his arm around your waist. you think of the way his lashes flutter when you lean in to kiss him – 

and yet, there was something bigger bothering you about this, something that tugged at your gut, the words forcing themselves out of you. 

"i hate that it feels like there's nothing more to me than this." 

"y/n, what are you talking about?" jaemin asks, his voice quiet. when you pause, he presses on, urgency in every word. "what did he say to you?" 

"nothing," you shake your head. "he didn't say that to me, it's something i feel. no matter who i'm with…even when i'm alone….i can't run from it." you take a breath. you hated admitting this, but jaemin's eyes were kind as they looked into yours. "even when we weren't talking, i was thinking about him…and tonight…jaemin i don't think anyone should be able to make me feel like this." 

“there's nothing wrong with being in love," he says, carefully. when you don't say a word, he continues on, as gentle as possible. "you know that no amount of attention he gives you will change the way you feel, right?" 

he was right. if you really dared to dream – to use up every last shooting star, count on all of the angel numbers — and haechan, donghyuck, gave himself to you fully like you wanted, you would still be afraid of losing him. a sick flutter beats in your chest at the passing thought of him slipping away again – that all this fight would have been for nothing. 

it was as if jaemin could read your mind. "there was a life before him," he reassures you. "there is so much more without him. you just need to start living like it, to really see it."

you had nodded, but you couldn't shake the feeling that no matter how many shows you skipped, no matter how many times you drove by his apartment or ignored his messages, it wouldn't change a thing: that even though there was a life before him, maybe it wasn't one that you wanted anymore.

—

you're cutting through the park on your way home from class, when you hear a shout of your name. you barely have time to turn before a small girl is launching herself at your legs, standing high on her tip-toes to throw her arms around your waist. 

"slow down!" 

you'd know that voice anywhere. 

haechan looks different. he's dressed in a striped sweater, glasses askew on his small nose. your heart skips a beat – he looks warm, and cozy, and comfortable. behind the frames, his eyes glow when he looks at you, an involuntary smile tugging at his lips. 

the two of you just stand there, looking into each other's eyes. every sense of yours is heightened –  the autumn air cold on your skin. the light catching everything around you. and your heart beating in your chest, speeding up with every moment you continue looking at him. you can't help it: even now you smile looking at his face. 

he raises his eyebrows. 

"what?" you blurt out, caught off-guard. 

he laughs lightly. "what are you doing here?" he asks, like he's explaining a question. 

"just…passing through," you say, slowly. "you?" 

"the…uh…kindergarten's right near here." haechan point vaguely at a point in the distance, you only look at it for a second before you focus back on him. you can't help it. he smiles again. "you're just passing through? can't you stay for awhile? we were going to get ice cream." 

his sister tugs at your sweater, excited at the sound of ice cream. you look down at her face – she has the same nose as her brother, the same bright smile. 

"just for a bit," you concede. haechan pumps his fist, playing up his excitement to make his sister laugh. it makes your heart go still and race all at the same time. 

—

"we need to talk." 

there was something wrong with haechan. 

the smell of rain and cigarettes hung in the alley behind the dingy venue. haechan sits on the steps with his head in his hands, jeno leaning on the wall opposite, jisung against the doorway behind. it's mark who stands directly in front of him, as he rubs his face with his hands, trying to calm down. mark who crouches down, mark's prying hands which make haechan lift his head to look at them. 

"what happened?" he asks, his eyes blazing. 

haechan swallows. "it's been a bad day," he tries, weakly. 

"it's been a bad month," jeno corrects. at haechan's glare, he raises his eyebrows in a silent challenge, and it's jisung who pipes up.

"i think people are starting to notice something's off," he says, softly. "that you play differently, sometimes."

"you mean that he messes up when she's not in the crowd," jeno says, bitterly. 

"i only messed up today," haechan mumbles. "it won't happen again." 

"what about yesterday? it's like you weren't onstage at all." jeno protests. 

haechan opens his mouth, but closes it. he knew this conversation had to happen, that things would lead to this – his fingers faltering, his mind going blank as his solo began. jeno's drums continuing relentlessly, mark's eyes on him, as he shook his head fiercely, trying to clear his mind and focus all at once. unsure of what to keep — the image of you, or the chords he'd worked so hard to get right. 

"hyuck, do you need a break?" mark asked, his words slow and gentle. "we can stop performing for awhile, cancel some of our gigs…"

"no," he breathes.  "don't." he doesn't want to lose all of it – and because he knew that if he stopped performing, he didn't know if he would ever see you again. 

and it's like jeno reads his mind. "she's not going to like you like this," jeno says, his voice impersonal. "she likes the version of you onstage, remember? it's how she first met you, it's what kept her coming back for more." 

"jeno." mark's voice is stern, but haechan looks up right past him, hurt pooling in his eyes. 

"i know," he breathes. "i know that. but i don't know if i can be that around her anymore." 

"not just around her," jisung notes. "you're not haechan anymore. it doesn't make you happy." 

"i know," he repeats, quieter this time. 

"hyuck, listen," mark sighs. "you're not doing yourself any good going onstage like this. i'm canceling the next few shows –" as haechan protests, he cuts him off with a hand on his shoulder. "no. we could all use a break." 

"mark," haechan croaks. "i can't." 

"we'll still have practice," mark says, firmly. "you still have to show up for all of it. and those songs i told you to work on —" 

"you should go home," jisung adds. "take care of your sister." 

there's a pause, as they wait for jeno to chime in. 

"none of it matters if you don't figure it out with her," he says, a tone of finality ringing in his words. he straightens, broad shoulders squared, suddenly much bigger under the lights. "if you need to get over it, you have to. staying like this is hurting everyone." 

haechan's lips part, soundlessly. there's a sharp creak, as jeno stalks back into the venue, followed by mark – who pats haechan gently on the shoulder. vaguely, haechan waits for the sound of jisung's soft steps to fade, but they only shuffle closer, until the lanky boy drops down next to him. his legs stretch out into the dingy alley, as haechan hugs his knees closer to his chest, for the first time perhaps truly afraid of what he was about to hear from his friend.

"sometimes, we meet the right person at the wrong time-" jisung's voice is quiet, almost a murmur, but the words still scrape against haechan's skin, rough like sand. 

"don't say that." he bites his lip harshly, a sudden rush of anger at the pity in jisung's responding sigh. "don't fucking say that." 

"haechan, it's okay. she liked you, but then she moved on after you realised you —" 

"she didn't –" his fist clenches, restless in his lap. "she didn't move on." 

"really? not at all?" jisung's eyes are fixed on haechan's, holding his gaze. "after weeks of telling her you couldn't give her what she wanted…you think she's still waiting for you?" 

"ji-"

"why should she wait for you?" 

haechan swallows. "she shouldn't," he mumbles. "i…i need to really let her go. jeno's right." he truly means it.

jisung hesitates. he's been spending more time with you, as friends – joining on your movie nights with jaemin, or else baking together, or letting you style him for shows and concerts. and the more time he spends with you, really gets to know you, the more he can see why you and haechan seem to need each other. your patience and gentleness matched the soft way he's seen haechan take care of his sister and at times, mark. he watched the way you sometimes falter – worry overtaking your features for a split second when you stop at a red light, or your teeth tugging at your bottom lip as you stand in front of the stove – and instinctively he can imagine haechan's confidence, his natural propensity to make everything seem easy, fitting in with you and taking care of you. 

but he knew that haechan could only give you his attention – not his heart, not until he was brave enough to admit how much you meant to him. 

your resolve to stay friends with him was as flimsy as haechan's promise to let you go. jisung almost wanted to laugh at the insistence both of you had, upon lying to yourselves. 

"be honest," he says, gently. "what do you want?" when haechan doesn't answer, jisung's low voice continues on, coaxingly. "what's your best-case scenario? what do you want to happen?" 

haechan takes a deep breath. "i don't know." 

jisung tries to hide his disappointment. "do you not know, or are you not ready to say it?" 

"i don't know," haechan mumbles again, burying his face in his hands. i don't know if i deserve it. 

the two of them sit there for a long, long, time. 

–

there was something wrong with haechan.

something's different. that's what jeno had said earlier, after the show. exhausted from sleepless nights, screaming fans making him feel nauseous, haechan barely paid attention to anything during his performances except for his own guitar. he hardly looked at the crowd, didn't acknowledge their pleas of his name, as if it wasn't one he recognised at all. 

he'd started missing parties, and was barely there even if he showed — ignoring the way girls swarmed around him, wondering if he was playing a new game, one where they had to work harder to earn his attention. it was a game they never won, his eyes trained on his cup, or else on the door. 

but out of all of haechan's bad habits, this might be the worst of them – sitting in the living room past midnight, sipping down to the last dregs of his alcohol, waiting for the knock on his door. 

it was late now — so late that the hours had bled into the next day. he hadn't seen you at the concert, not at the party, and despite telling himself not to dream, not to hope, he still carried enough desperation in him to stay up again. 

he's relieved he did. 

his hands shake as he opens the door. his hands falling to his sides as he drinks in the sight of you, letting you in. 

"hi," you breathe, and you don't ask before you lean into him, soft lips brushing his plush ones. 

he's at a loss for words, his tongue numb in his mouth, limbs still heavy from how tired he'd been all day. he lets you guide him to the couch, into the cushions. lets you straddle his hips, holding your body close to his with careful arms, as he meets your kisses gently.

something's different, but haechan's not the only one who's changed. on nights like these, all you do is take and take and take. 

"i haven't seen you in a while," he murmurs. quietly, softly, the words almost getting lost between kisses. immediately after he says the words, he slots his lips with yours firmly, as if afraid of what you would say if he let the space between you and him grow. 

"i've been busy." at the crestfallen look on his face, a small smile tugs at your lips, and you lean in to brush your lips with his. "why? did you miss me?" 

"i did," he says, almost timid. "i missed you."

at this, you raise your eyebrows. "you could have had anyone else." 

but he shakes his head. "i missed you," he repeats, hands mapping your skin, as if checking if you were really here, seeking the familiar way you fit into his palms, your slopes and your edges. 

"i missed you too," you say, meaningfully, letting him pull you in for another kiss. but when you push against him, body rocking into his and mouth open and wanting, the glow in your eyes tells him you're talking about something else entirely. 

his mind races. the feeling of you against him wakes him up like nothing else, the way you touch him, your smell and your taste setting fire to all his senses. there's something sweet about your lips tonight, something he wants to savor on his tongue and drown in all at once. 

he doesn't want to waste any of this, because this was the only thing you ever wanted to see him for — and that's what he tells himself as he pulls you into his body, because finally, finally, your attention is all on him, an electric heat simmering over each fibre of his being, the feeling of your body too sweet to be true.

but it's been one too many nights he's waited, a weight on his chest and a drowsiness he can't shake overcoming him like a cloyingly sweet poison. 

"i–" he's cut off by a shuddering inhale as your lips travel down to his neck, your hips grinding against him just right. "baby, i'm sorry," he tries again, his hands now gripping onto your waist, trying to steady you, even as he gives up. "i don't think i can take care of you tonight." 

you still. 

"don't go, please," he begs. "i'm sorry, it's been…it's been a long day and i…" he breaks off. the performance. the fight with the band. the fact that he'd been drinking for hours, the starless sky inky black outside his window, his fingers still stinging from plucking at guitar strings all night. "just give me a second," he stammers, burying his face in his hands, tugging at his features, before looking up at you with tired eyes. "i'll be fine in a minute, then we'll go to the bedroom, i just —" 

your hands slide down the slope of his shoulders. 

"don't go," he repeats, hands fumbling for yours as he brings them up to his lips, like a prayer. "i can take care of you, i promise. just…" 

"donghyuck," you say, softly. again you smile, cupping his face in your palms. his round cheeks, plush lips, the slight flare of his nose. he almost goes cross-eyed staring at you, as you lean in close and kiss him again – this one different from the rest, close-lipped and chaste. 

"hyuck, let me take care of you tonight, okay?" 

caught in a riptide of his own longing, he lets go. 

"you don't have to do anything," he mumbles. his hands tentatively touch your waist, the barest brush of his fingertips, before he's encircling you in his arms, easing you into his chest. slowly, tentatively, he holds you close by the weight of his arms, a large hand reassuringly patting the space right beneath your heart – clumsy, rhythmic thumps that trailed off into a lingering warmth. "i just want to hold you here, like this." 

he can feel the tension that spreads down your spine, your breath caught in your throat. your lips are parted, your eyes looking at his in an unreadable expression. 

"do you not like it?" he asks, his voice small. his hands fall from your waist, nervously tugging his sleeves down over his palms. "i…i'm just…" 

"i do," you say, slowly. and because your faces are so close, the thought is barely crossing your mind before you press your lips against his. it's supposed to be quick, reassuring, but the look on haechan's face when you pull back makes you lean in again right away. 

it was a look that was open and hurt, his hands still tangled in his lap. his eyes stayed open as you kissed him, as if he couldn't dare believe it was real — finally blinking shut when you kissed him again, his slight relief melting on your tongue. his teeth sunk into his bottom lip as you clumsily got up off the couch, and as you straightened, he ducked away from your gaze, staring at his hands. 

"hyuck," you start, but he shakes his head. 

"it's fine." he still wouldn't look at you - fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "you don't have to stay, it's late." 

"hyuck, listen to me." 

"i know," he says, quickly. the slightest trace of fear in his voice. "you don't….you don't have to remind me, i know. it's too…you said we couldn't…"

" — hyuck, i wasn't going to say that." 

his fingers falter, but he stays silent. 

"i can't fall asleep properly in your lap," you explain, slowly. "let's go to bed, okay?" 

he looks up then. "really?" 

"i said i want to take care of you," you repeat, his wide eyes making you feel shy all of a sudden. "i mean it." 

he lets you take his hands, body following pliantly as he stands from the couch, as you lead him to his bedroom, his eyes focused on your intertwined hands. it's both a familiar and unfamiliar feeling — crawling into his bed with his clothes on your body, sinking into the soft sheets and letting the senses of him wash over you. the usual buzz of pleasure isn't there, and its a different tiredness that seeps through your veins, one that comes with feeling safe. 

since when did you start feeling safe with him? 

you feel his weight sink in behind you, the duvet rustling against skin as he turns. an arm curls around your waist. his head lowers into the crook of your neck – you can feel his soft hair, his pouty lips brushing your shoulders in a light kiss. 

"the band is taking a break," he mumbles. "because of me."

"hyuck?" you try to turn in his arms, but his grip only tightens on your waist. he shakes his head. "hyuck, what happened? are you okay?" 

"m'yeah, i'm okay now." he shifts. "just…i just don't know if i like playing in the band anymore." 

there's a pause. 

"are you…are you disappointed?" the thumb drawing circles on your hip stills. "say something," he whispers. "please." 

"why would i be disappointed?" you ask, quietly. placing your hand on his, you turn, facing him as he encircles you in his arms. his eyes are half-lidded, tousled hair falling over his brows, his cheek squished against the pillow into a half-pout. it's almost instinct – the way your hand goes up to his face to brush his hair out of his face, fingers absentmindedly tracing his moles. 

you can feel his lips move against your fingers. "would you still come to see me?" he wonders, softly. "if you didn't have a reason to?" 

you bite your lip. "i would want to…" you say, slowly. "but i don't know if i should. haechan, what's going on? does music not make you happy anymore?" 

his heart aches. your care for him fills his lungs, making his eyes begin to prickle with tears. 

"i don't think the haechan…donghyuck thing is good for me." 

"oh." your thumb brushes over the bridge of his nose. "hyuck…" you start. "i don't…i don't want to overstep." 

his face falls. "sorry," he says, his voice small. "i won't bother you with it…you don't have to…"

"no, i don't mean…hey, listen to me." you wait until he looks up at you through his lashes, nervously. "i think i've gotten to know haechan and donghyuck, you know? i mean…" your heart skips a beat, suddenly shy at your own honesty. but you've already let your guard down – it's no use. "of course i like haechan. haechan's the one who invited me backstage, haechan's the one who made me go on that rooftop…but…" you take a breath. 

the sleep had worn off from haechan's eyes – he was alert as he watched you now,  hanging onto your every word. 

"i've gotten to know donghyuck too, i think. i hope. donghyuck makes the best sandwiches for his baby sister, donghyuck has a bear tattoo because he looks as cute as one, donghyuck is always gentle with me even when i ask him not to be." your thumb traces the constellation of moles he has again, tracing down to his neck. you draw him closer – the way he's looking at you: like you're his entire world, like your words were the only thing keeping him breathing, filling your chest with a tender kind of ache that didn't go away. 

"donghyuck and haechan aren't that different, not really. they're still you. i like them both. i like all of you. if you woke up tomorrow and told me you were someone else, if you were suddenly becoming someone new, i think i'd still want to fall asleep next to you anyway at the end of the day. because i know you –" you breathe in, sharply. "i…i think i do. i…hope i do." 

he doesn't say anything. just leans in, and brushes his lips with yours lightly – once, twice, and finally sealing them in a kiss. he kisses you deeply, intensely – it wakes you up, that familiar feeling stirring in your belly as your hips move of their own accord. a liquid euphoria fills your veins as he pulls you into him – him on his back, you laying on his firm chest, the toned muscles on his chest grounding you, a feeling so familiar, one that you craved for a long time. you've never felt safer, in his arms. he kisses you like with every moment apart, he wonders if you're still there, and each time he sighs into your mouth it's with relief that you're still here, with him. 

"do you want to…?" he asks softly. he's breathing heavily, but he tries to calm himself down. his tongue darts out to wet his lips, and it's that act – so innocent, so nervous even though you've both done it a dozen times with each other, that makes your heart beat harder in your chest. 

"it's been awhile," you murmur. 

"i know." he nods, swallowing. "it just…it hasn't felt right. don't…don't get me wrong, i want you all the time-" he practically groans with frustration. "it's just recently i just…i've been really confused. it's so stupid, but i didn't know which version of me you wanted –" 

"just you," you assure him, softly.

"let me make it up to you then." his tone is just as soft. 

you take his hands, and slide them under your shirt. gently, he tugs it off of you, sitting up slightly to take his shirt off as well before focusing back on you. you're giddy with the feeling of his touch again, nostalgia heightening every single sensation. it's not just hyuck tracing his hands over your chest – his lips finding your nipples, tongue darting out to tease them lightly. it's every single time he's touched you before – in the backseat of his car, hands moving urgently. in your bed that first time – so careful because you were extra sensitive. you have to focus to get back to the present moment, where he's watching you carefully again – noticing that you're lost in your thoughts. 

"everything okay?" he murmurs. 

you nod. "i just missed you so much," you whisper, and you can feel his desperation in the kiss that follows. "i need you now." 

"need to prep you, baby." gently, he eases you onto the bed, crawling down your body as you tug off your shorts and panties. your legs spread, needily, as you can feel him inch closer to your core, his hands coming to hold your hips. "stay still for me?" he mumbles, his eyes dazed as he watches you nod, his own head bobbing along absentmindedly, guiding you through it as he encourages you to bend your knees, baring yourself to him. 

the first flick of his tongue on your clit makes you mewl, hands coming down to grip onto his hair. 

"i know, baby," he comforts you, drawing small circles on your thigh as he leans into suckle your clit, making your hips buck up. he holds you still, patiently continuing to circle your entrance and lap at your clit. "fuck…you're getting so wet, angel." he slides in a finger, and the intrusion makes you clench around him in sensitivity, especially as he kitten-licks your clit shyly while easing in another finger. 

"need you now," you whine, voice reaching that pitch only he seems to bring out in you. his fingers pump more urgently, now curling towards the front of your walls, as he applies more force to your clit with his tongue, massaging the sensitive bud. 

"need you-" you choke out. "need you inside." 

"just give me one right now," he says, a slight plea to his voice. "please, angel. cum for me please, –"

"wanna cum with you inside," you sniffle. that gets his attention. he crawls right up your body until you're face to face, kissing you deeply, palms coming up to hold your face, careful to keep his fingers away. it's heated – your hips rolling into his as he finally loses control, hips bucking into yours until he's practically humping you as he kisses down your neck. your hands go to his waist, and he whimpers into your skin, finally tugging down his sweatpants, and you feel a familiar weight against your core. 

"condom-" he gasps, breaking away. the muscles on his body flex as he reaches for his bedside table, you can feel them move against your hands. 

"have you been fucking anyone else?" 

he blinks. "no, not since…" he breaks off. "no. and i'm clean. mark made me check." the sound of your giggle makes him smile momentarily – a goofy, lopsided grin that makes your heart squeeze painfully in your chest. 

"i want to feel you-" you say, slowly. "please." 

he sucks in a breath. "this…this isn't one of those things you're trying to do to please me, right?" he looks at you, skeptically. "it doesn't make a difference to me, you know that right? i just want you to feel comfortable. and safe…" 

"i am comfortable," you assure him. "i'm on the pill. i really just want to do this with you." 

"because-" he suddenly sits back, running a nervous hand through his hair. "i'm fine with using protection, you know that. i…i love how you feel either way. i never want you to do anything you don't feel absolutely right about…"

"is this about the blowjob?" you raise your eyebrows at him, smiling when you see his eyes widen. "because i'm going to do that too, with you. i want to make you feel good." 

now it's his turn to laugh, tilting his head back. his adam's apple bobs in his throat. "you have no idea-" he murmurs, voice suddenly low and serious. "you have no idea how good you make me feel just by the way you look at me. by the way you say my name." 

"hyuck," you say, patiently. "i need you. don't make me beg." 

"i should be the one begging," he murmurs, and this time when you reach your arms out, he lowers himself right into your arms, letting you wrap your arms around him. he strokes himself a few times, eyelashes fluttering, before slowly easing into you – a soft sound escaping his lips as his eyes went unfocused. it really had been awhile – his length filling you up, stretching you out in a way that was almost painful, but that pain was quickly dulled by pleasure as his body pressed against yours. 

"fuck-" he curses, eyes screwed shut in concentration. "can i…can i please…" 

you rock your hips against him, letting him in even deeper as he bottoms out. "move-" you whimper, "please-" you barely finish your words before he's already drawing back, barely pulling out before fucking himself back in, short intense thursts feeling dizzying. his slender fingers find your clit again, applying a light pressure as the blunt tip of cock perfectly hits the spongy part of your walls, the sound obscene in the quiet room. you were so aroused, you felt that you were making a mess of his thighs – wetness making the scene seem ever more lewd, creaming around his length as he increased his speed, groaning lowly to himself. 

"cum for me, princess," he pleads, lips dipping down to mark the sensitive part of your neck. you were already close from all the teasing – and once again the familiarity of every touch and movement sends your senses into overdrive. your entire body tenses as you climax, and you can hear him hiss out another string of curses, mixed with your name and every term of endearment under the sun. 

"where do you want it?" he all but whimpers, hips still fucking into you like a reflex. 

"inside-" you mumble, ankles loosely hooking behind his back, trying to stop him from moving away. "hyuck, please come inside, fill me up please-" with a soft cry, he pushes in deep – and you can feel him cum inside you, making a mess between your thighs, the feeling so arousing that it awakens something inside you, and your hips begin to move – begging for more. 

"wait-" he pants. "give me a minute, angel-" his eyes are closed again, head lowered, as he pushes through the overstimulation, feeling his soft cock slowly begin to harden again. the sounds falling from his throat now are scratchy, hoarse whines – a sound so dirty it makes your heart beat even faster, a sense of defiled innocence you've only ever heard in his music. the angle in which he's rutting into you stimulating your clit, pushing you closer to your edge as you fuck up onto him. 

"hyuck?" you push his bangs out of his eyes, tracing your hands over his shoulders, his chest. your fingers brush past his nipples and his mouth falls open with need, an achy sound releasing from the back of his throat, his puffy lips parted obscenely. you pinch his nipples again, gently, experimentative, and you feel his body shudder as he cums again, this time going still. it's so fucking arousing, an different side to him that you've never seen, that you feel yourself climax as well, the stimulation overwhelming. 

the both of you lay there for awhile, before he seems to come to his senses — a shaky hand moving the hair out of your face. 

he looks at you, and you look at him. 

and as if he can't help himself, he kisses you again – this time so soft and gentle, almost as if it were the first time all over again. 

"you alright?" he mumbles. 

you nod. 

"let's clean up in a second," he breathes. "just…let's stay like this for awhile." 

you nod again. you don't trust your own voice. something is happening – something tastes different in the air, something in the way you're looking at each other, something in the way he's touching you now – as if you might break or bruise if he even let his fingerprints get onto your skin. in the way he's looking at you now – something urgent in his gaze. 

"are you…are you free tomorrow night?" 

"i am." you sound stronger than you feel. 

"can i take you somewhere?" 

pause. "yeah." you give him a small smile. "i'd like that."

the smile that breaks out across his face is one that you know like the back of your hand. 

–

sitting across from you now, with your plates already cleared away and all that's left is your last few sips of wine, it hits you how that this is the most normal setting you've been in with him, possibly ever. his long legs stretched out under the table over by your chair, gently placing down his wine glass as he looks at you, his expression soft. his face is lit up by candlelight, hair falling over his brows in a hopelessly endearing way. 

"you good?" he murmurs. 

you nod. things feel cozy, and comfortable – it's a feeling so foreign but at the same time so familiar, you have to keep reminding yourself that this is real. 

he bites his lip. "pretend i'm jisung," he says, impulsively. "and…and you're describing how this went to him. how…how did you find it?" 

you give him a look, but he looks so shy, so nervous to be asking you this question, that you decide to play along. 

"well, jisung-" you take a deep breath, smiling when you see him smile too. "haechan picked me up today, that was really nice-" 

"-sounds like the bare minimum," he mumbles back, head bent.

"well, yeah it kind of is. but he doesn't have the best track record." you see him wince, so you let that comment linger for awhile before continuing on. "he's been a gentleman today. he…he took me to a restaurant that he found out i've been meaning to go to for awhile now, because he asked jaemin beforehand." 

"and that's…creepy? doing too much?" 

"it was thoughtful," you mused. "even though he made the reservation for the wrong date…"

"fucker," he shakes his head. 

"...it was nice because we got to go to walk around, and there was this moment, um…" his head darts up. now you can see him break character – something piercingly vulnerable in the way his bambi-brown eyes shine. 

you swallow. "we were crossing the street…and he put his hand on my lower back, just to guide me forward, and when we got to the other side he took my hand in his and just…held it-" 

he's looking at you, slightly confused and a little nervous. 

"yeah?" 

"he…he usually only acts like that when we're alone…when there's no one around." he still looks lost, so you reach forward across the table, taking his hand in yours. as if on instinct, his hand squeezes yours. "it's sweet," you reassure him. "it was really sweet." 

he bites his lip, but nods to show that he understands.

there's silence, for a bit. you think of breaking the silence, of saying anything, when suddenly he clears his throat slightly, sitting up a little straighter.

"hey, mark-" now he's doing the same bit, and it catches you by surprise a little - making you smile. "yeah, i'm still with y/n. i...uh...i fucked up the reservation, you were right, i should've checked again..."

"i really like spending time with her," he says, slowly. "i...i can't stop staring at her - she looks so beautiful tonight. and...and i can't believe she's finally here with me, that i somehow didn't fuck this up. and um...we were in this record store just now...and i was listening to her talk about an album she liked -" a smile plays on his lips as he recalls the memory. you suddenly become aware that your heart is beating hard again, pounding in your ribs. "and she was so excited, and she kept laughing as she talked, and...and i just realised i would do anything to make her that happy, all the time. and that i want it to be me, i want to be the reason she smiles like that."

you swallow.

"haechan..."

"you don't have to say anything-" he rushes to say. "i just...i just wanted you - i mean, uh, mark - to know."

"okay." you take a deep breath. "and um, i want jisung to know that-"

"yeah?"

"i like spending time with him too," you say, faintly.

he nods, but he doesn't smile.

-

as the car pulls up to your driveway, the quiet hum of the engine is silenced – headlights turned off, only the soft glow of streetlights casting their pools of gold over haechan's face. it's so quiet, you hear the shaky breath he takes as he steadies himself. 

"i have something for you," he murmurs. you can feel the warmth radiating off his body as he leans to pick something up from the backseat, the comforting smell of his perfume making your heart warm. but then you hear the crinkle of paper, his hair falling over his face as he sits back into the driver's seat, and your heart falls in a completely different way – your insides rushing with inertia, dizzy and heady – because he's holding a bouquet of dark red roses. they're wrapped sweetly, tied off with a piece of red ribbon to match the blooms, and your eyes linger on the way his fingers tremble as he holds them out to you with both hands. 

his starts to speak, but whatever he falters as he watches you stare at the soft petals, stems completely stripped of their thorns – and he bites his lower lip, breath caught in his throat. 

"too much?" he asks, softly. "i just thought…i just…mark and jisung said it would be a good idea," he stammers, lowering the bouquet as one of his hands falls to his thighs, nervously clenching his fists. "i was supposed to give them to you when i picked you up, but i got scared…you don't have to take them, i just thought…i wasn't thinking-" 

your hand closes around his hand holding the flowers. your other goes to his face, your thumb brushing his cheek as he falls silent, his eyes fixed on yours, caught in the haze of your touch. slowly, so as not to startle him, you lean in and kiss him gently. it's a beat before he kisses you back, as if he couldn't believe it, and when you pull away just slightly with a soft sound, you can see the nervousness in his eyes. and so you lean in to kiss him again – you kiss him until his lashes flutter shut, until you can feel him settle in his seat, sighing into your mouth as he kisses you deeply. you pull the flowers into your lap, his hand giving up control easily, coming up to your face to hold you in his palms. 

"hyuck." 

he pauses, leaning back – but his hands only leave your face when you hold them in your own, guiding them down to rest against the center console, your fingers intertwined. 

"i never want you to feel like i'm ashamed of being seen with you," he blurts out suddenly. 

"what?" 

"i never meant to let it get that far," he continues on, looking at his hands. "when i first met you…i wanted you to be like everyone else. i tried to do what i always do, but i just couldn't. you kept getting in my head, and i kept hurting you, and i didn't know how to stop and i just-" he exhales. "i never want to make you feel like that again." 

"hyuck, was this a date?" 

he swallows. "if you want it to be," he starts, but then he shakes his head. "the truth is, i was afraid you would say no if it was. but i really want it to be. i really really do." 

"hyuck," you take a deep breath. "whatever you're going through, you're not going to find the answer in me." 

"y/n, i love you," he says, quietly, tenderly. he says it like it's the easiest thing in the world. "i want to be a person who deserves to be with you, and love you, and i know you think you can't change me, and it isn't your responsibility to try at all…but you already have, and you can't take it back. when i'm with you i feel like i can see this version of donghyuck that i want to be all the time for the rest of my life." 

"no two people should change to be with each other –" you start, but he shakes his head. 

"we aren't a scenario," he insists. "this isn't a hypothetical. there's no should and shouldn't, because you know me –" he's pleading. "i'm not the same boy you saw onstage that first time you came to our show, and you're not that same girl on the roof," he pleads, voice breaking, tears welling up in the pretty cut of his eyes. "why is it so hard for you to believe that this version of us is meant to be together?" 

there's silence. 

"i can believe it," you start, quietly. "that's what terrifies me." 

you can see him start to lose hope. he can't force you to stay with him when you're not ready, and he doesn't want to be that person either. 

"i…" he hesitates. he wants to say so much more to you – that no one else makes him feel the way you make him feel. that he feels like he'll never love anyone again, not the way he loves you. the fact that you're it for him in a million different ways, a love he never thought he'd find. that he'll never be able to give anyone else a fair chance. 

but he can tell his love makes your shoulders heavy, makes your eyes go foggy with tears. already, you look shattered sitting in the passenger seat of his car, his love a weight on your chest that you don't know what to do with. already he's losing whatever bravery he had before – the bravery his love for you had given him. 

"sometimes-" you start, breaking off, your voice quivering. "when we're together, i feel like i could do it for the rest of my life. that you're the only one i've met to make me feel this way, that i'm the only one who knows you so deep." 

"you are," he breathes. 

"but-" your voice rises, agitated. "you hurt me. again and again. i came back when i wasn't ready, i should've given it more time, i just couldn't stay away. and then you came back into my life, and i forgave you to be with you again, and i tried to give other people a chance but i just…i just couldn't. what if this is too soon again?" 

i'll wait. the words are on the tip of his tongue, but he knows its the wrong thing to say, wrong thing to want. there's nothing romantic about waiting for someone – it's a cruel promise, one that rots each day going by in the wait for the future. 

"do you…" he takes a deep breath. "do you want to let me go?"

you nod, slowly. haechan can feel his heartbeat in his ears. 

"i'm not sorry," you whisper. "it's not right. you…i know you think you know what you want, but i need you to be sure of who you are, and who you want. i can't give you the answers." 

haechan remembers how – and it seems so far away, almost like a dream now – the night you went out with jisung, he dreamed of you. dreamed up the final version of you and him – everything good and always good, coming backstage to you, coming home to you. and some part of him had dared to hope, that despite everything, despite himself, the two of you would make it to that final version. 

but maybe the final version of you and him was this – the sound of the car door shutting as you walk up the steps to your apartment, and him crying all the way home, roses left in the front seat of the car, the ghost of your hands burning on his face.

(EPILOGUE RELEASE SOON)

@neochan, @ahncosette, @18shy @kittydollzz @jenoslutie @pussymode @yyfka @cheolctrl @jaeminsballs @mysummerhyuck @strawberrytyong @rosiejunnie @nctzen4eva @haechskies @wickedrei @sundamariis @liliansun @lanadreamie @nodisdino @angelwonie @foxydumps @manooffline @moonsmias @skzct7 @iscocohere @ficrecnctskz @makiswrld @itskkung @simpforarmihn @aryraaaa @rbf-aceu @laubyrinthine @yujuvly @nctevia @hyuckenjoyer @guhhfgbbj @girlwholoveslpreppyattire @kasperneo @eneiyri @toroufriteh @cauliephays @jisoung @niinjo @wonaoi @yuskitty @strawbabyz @readingisgodly @daegalfangirl @minkyuncutie @feat-sun @chaoticstrawberryland @shawnyle @sofix-hc7 @scftharu @spageddy @adorejaehyn @manooffline @02mrk @tyongspice1 @runahways @neosdaisy @hotmessexpress35 @kim-seungmins-gf @delllllllsstuff @nohunlee @kingsoowolves @enhasrii @fnafgirl87 @imzerozen @toroufriteh @torothecatt

[dissapointu]

Writing to a dead person (ambessa x reader)

My Dearest,

It feels strange to write to you like this, knowing you will never see these words. But the silence is unbearable, and I have no one else to tell the truth to—not like I could with you. You were always the one who could see through me, who could pull the truth from my lips no matter how deeply I tried to bury it.

I told myself I didn't need anyone. For years, I built walls around myself, convinced that strength meant solitude. That vulnerability was a weakness I could not afford. And then you came along, with your infuriating smile and your maddening persistence. You slipped through the cracks I didn't even know were there, and before I realized it, you had taken root in my heart.

Do you know how terrifying that was? To love someone the way I loved you? To trust you with parts of myself I had never shown to anyone else? I fought it at first, of course I did. But you were relentless. And, gods help me, I was weak for you. I still am.

When I look back now, I see all the ways I failed you. All the moments I could have been kinder, softer. I let my pride speak for me too often, and I let my fears keep me from telling you what you deserved to hear. I should have told you every day how much you meant to me. I should have held you longer, kissed you deeper, made you feel as loved as you made me feel. But I didn't. And now, it's too late.

I can still see you sometimes, in the quiet moments. I hear your laugh, feel your touch, and for a fleeting second, it feels real. But then I reach out, and you're gone, and I am left with this hollow ache that nothing can fill.

You should be here, standing beside me, mocking my stubbornness and reminding me to eat. You should be the one holding me when the weight of all this becomes too much. Instead, I am alone, and the world is emptier without you in it.

The battlefield feels colder now. I used to fight for glory, for power, for ambition. But with you gone, those things mean nothing. Now, I fight because I don't know what else to do. It's the only way I know to keep moving forward, even when every step feels like a betrayal of your memory.

You were my light. My compass. The one person who could make me believe that there was more to life than conquest and strategy. And now that you're gone, I don't know who I am anymore.

I won the war, you know. Just like we planned. The world sees me as a hero, a lioness who cannot be defeated. But it is an empty victory. What is the point of triumph if you're not here to share it with me?

I've lost so much in my life. Friends, allies, even family. But nothing compares to losing you. Nothing could have prepared me for this void, this unbearable silence. And though I try to carry on, to honor your memory by doing the work we dreamed of, it feels like I am moving through a haze, a shadow of the person I used to be.

I miss you. Gods, I miss you more than words can ever express. I miss your voice, your laughter, the way you would challenge me when no one else dared. I miss the way you looked at me, like I was more than just a warrior or a leader. Like I was someone worth loving.

I don't know what comes next. I don't know how to move on from this. But I do know that I will carry you with me, in every step, every breath, every battle. You are a part of me now, as much as my blood and my bones. And though the world may see me as unbreakable, you are my one true weakness. The part of me I will never let go of.

I love you. I will always love you. And though you are gone, I will spend the rest of my life trying to be the person you believed I could be. Not for glory, not for power, but for you. Always for you.

Forever yours,

Ambessa

The quill dropped from her fingers, clattering softly against the table. Ambessa stared at the letter, her vision blurred by tears she didn't bother to wipe away.

She folded the parchment carefully, her hands steady despite the storm raging inside her. For a moment, she considered burning it, letting the words disappear like so many others she had left unspoken. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Instead, she tucked the letter into the small satchel she carried everywhere, alongside the other precious things she had kept over the years. It would remain there, a testament to the love she could never let go of, even as she continued to fight, to lead, to live in a world without you.

And though she would never send the letter, she hoped, somehow, that you would know. That wherever you were, you could hear the words she could never say aloud.

This is from my fic:

[agreeeeeeeeeee]

Thanksgiving in Baldur's Gate 🍂༘⋆༄˖°.

| Gale Dekarios x Tav

summary: Tav cannot believe the party has never heard of Thanksgiving, a tradition from their homeland. So, they decide to throw Baldur’s Gate’s first annual Thanksgiving celebration as a reward for weeks of hard work.

cw: tooth-rotting fluff, blood, hunting excursion, implied smut and countless turkey-related innuendos. puns. warm and fuzzy feelings

an: Happy Thanksgiving, my loves! Please take some time over the next few days to acknowledge and celebrate the history of America's Native people, and educate yourself on ways to show up for them today and in the future.

ps i need someone with an ounce of artistic ability to draw Gale holding the flowers with a dopey look in his eye please I BEG

“What do you mean you’ve never heard of Thanksgiving!” Tav shouts, nearly dropping the dagger they were sharpening.

Astarion rolled his eyes. “What the fuck is there to give thanks for?”

“What is Thanksgiving, exactly?” Gale asked, gently taking the dagger from Tav’s hands so they didn’t accidentally stab anyone with their manic gesticulating. “Something from your homeland?”

“It’s a holiday, like a—” How to put it in terms they’d understand? “A feast!”

Karlach perked up. “What kind of feast?”

“It was originally this like, fucked up celebration of imperialism, but now it’s just a day where you hang out with your family, eat too much food and rest,” Tav explained to the confused party.

“Why is called ‘thankstrading’ or whatever?” Wyll asked.

“Thanksgiving,” Tav corrected. “It’s a day to be thankful!"

“Again, what the fuck is there to be thankful for?” Astarion huffed.

Tav deflated a little. “I don’t know. I thought maybe—”

“Would it make you happy, love? To celebrate this Thanksblessing?” Gale asked, placing a reassuring hand over theirs.

Tav nodded. “I just usually celebrate with my family, but since the ship picked me up…” they trailed off, that familiar sorrow wedging itself deeper into their heart.

“Then it shall be done,” Gale said, glaring at Astarion when the vampire opened his mouth to protest. “I think we all deserve a day of feasting and rest, anyways.”

“Fuck yes,” Karlach pumped her fist in the air. “So what do we need to do?”

Tav’s eyes lit up. “Well, first we have to figure out the menu. Stuffed turkey, and potatoes, and fresh bread—oh, pumpkin pie!”

“Stuffed turkey?” Astarion asked, quirking a silver brow, and Karlach snickered. “Stuffed with what, exactly?”

“Uh, stuffing?” Tav responded, rolling their eyes.

“What is ‘stuffing’?” Gale asked, fighting for his life to not crack a smile.

“Poor wizard, doesn’t know what stuffing is,” Wyll tsked, and the rest of the party burst into laughter.

Tav giggled. “It’s like bread and spices that you stuff—place—into the cavity of the bird before you cook it.”

“Stuffed with bread? Sounds awful,” Karlach wheezed, wiping tears from her eyes.

“It’s delicious! And you baste the breast with gravy and—”

Even Gale couldn’t stifle the roar of laughter that burst from him, and a flush singed Tav’s cheeks.

“Now we’re talking!” Karlach howled gleefully, clutching the infernal engine in her chest as it glowed brighter.

“W-what kind of gravy?” Halsin asked, giggling so hard he could barely get the question out.

“I take it all back. Thanksfucking sounds very interesting,” Astarion waggled his brows at Tav.

“I hate you all,” Tav slumped back against the tree, shaking their head with a chuckle.

“We’ll start with catching the bird, yeah?” Wyll asked, wrestling his expression back into a mask of calm. “Tomorrow morning?”

“Perfect,” Tav grinned, excited for Baldur’s Gate’s First Annual Thanksgiving Celebration.

Tav and Wyll rose just after dawn to set out on their hunt. Tav ordered Karlach and Halsin to collect berries, root vegetables, and whatever else they could forage around the property, and sent Astarion and Shadowheart to shop for items in town.

Gale appeared suddenly before Tav and Wyll left, dressed in freshly laundered robes, his hair clean and pushed back from his face. Achingly handsome, but hardly dressed for a hunt. “Is it alright if I join you?” Gale asked, ignoring Wyll’s eye-roll in favor of Tav’s lingering stare. “I would very much like to get some activity in before such a large meal.”

Tav snickered. “Of course, you’re one of those.”

“One of what?” Gale pestered as they ventured into the woods.

“Nothing, Gale,” Tav teased, shaking their head. There was always one nut that felt the need to run a 5k before Thanksgiving dinner, and of course, it was Gale.

“Come now, Tav,” Gale poked them in the ribs. When they continued to ignore him, he started tickling his long fingers over their side, earning a loud squeal of laughter. “Tell me!”

“Stop it!” Tav yelped, attempting to run from Gale’s gentle assault, but he caught them around the middle and hauled them back into his muscular chest.

“Tell me,” he murmured against their ear, his fingers digging into their hips as a shiver rolled down their spine.

“Enough, you too. We’ll never catch a damn thing with your incessant flirting scaring everything off within a ten mile radius,” Wyll hissed.

“We’re not flirting!” Tav argued, swatting at Gale’s hands.

“Fine, fine,” Gale huffed, releasing you. “Don’t get your gizzards in a twist.”

Tav snorted a laugh and Wyll groaned, trudging further up the path.

It was a gorgeous morning in Baldur’s Gate, sunny with a slight chill in the air, fallen leaves crunching under their boots as they walked. Leaves of every color painted the forest, bright against the cloudless, blue sky. If Tav closed their eyes, it almost felt like home.

Though, at home they didn’t have a handsome wizard at their back, who kept tripping over roots and sticks as he stared up at the trees in wonder.

“Look,” Wyll whispered, drawing their wandering attention. He crouched to the ground, pointing at something along the edge of the path. “Turkey tracks.”

“Does it have to be a turkey?” Gale asked, peering into the trees where the tracks lead. “The turkey is such an ugly beast. Surely we could do something more refined, like a goose or swan.”

“Who the fuck eats swan?” Wyll argued, straightening.

“I”m sure some people do,” Gale argued, crossing his arms over his chest.

“No!” Tav argued. “It has to be turkey.”

“Whatever you say, darling,” Gale purred, his tone instantly changing, sweet and smooth as summer honey.

Wyll rolled his eyes so hard, his head fell back, horns pointing behind him. “Mizora fucking save me.”

“Come.” Gale cast a spell to illuminate the tracks, revealing a winding path into the forest. “Let us apprehend you your hideous fowl.”

An hour later and they had a massive turkey in tow, Wyll carrying it over his shoulder while Tav and Gale rushed ahead to camp.

Karlach and Halsin had returned as well, with a bucket of wild potatoes, freshly pulled herbs, golden ears of corn, and several baskets of berries. Best of all, Halsin held the biggest, orangest pumpkin Tav had ever seen in his great arms.

Tav squealed with delight. “This is perfect! Thank you!”

Halsin blushed, toeing the ground with his boot. “’Course, Tav. Happy to help.”

“I’ll start a fire!” Karlach said, rushing to the pit at the center of camp.

It seemed everyone was getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, and Tav set them each to different tasks to help prepare the food. Gale was on baking duty, his wizard training and eye for finer details making him a natural at pie crust. Halsin cleaned and prepped the produce, while Wyll plucked and prepped the bird, being sure to leave the pail of blood for Astarion to enjoy later. Tav and Karlach set to put together a table and some chairs.

A while later, Gale was sitting by the fire, diligently supervising his pumpkin pie as it baked in the cast iron over an open flame, and Tav tapped him on the shoulder.

“Would you like to help me find some flowers for the table?” They asked him, an inexplicable flush creeping up their cheeks. It was just friends going to pick some flowers for a nice dinner. Not romantic in the slightest.

Gale jumped up liked they’d asked him if he wanted the elixir of life, nodding his head vigorously. “Lead the way, my fearless, uh, leader!”

Tav smiled and together they walked back into the forest, along the more traveled paths where wildflowers grew.

“Thank you for insisting we celebrate,” Gale said after awhile of walking and picking flowers, breaking the peaceful silence. “I think we all needed a little…distraction.”

Tav smiled, heart warming. “Well, if you hadn’t backed me up, we may not be. So thank you.”

“You said before that it was a celebration of being thankful.” Gale paused, turning to face them, a bundle of dandelions, mum’s, and pink snapdragons clutched in his large hands. “Can it be for anything?”

“Of course it can.” The vulnerability in Gale’s eyes made Tav’s throat close, their heart racing in their chest.

“Then, well, uh, I suppose—” Gale cleared his throat, looking at the ground then back to them. “I suppose I’m quite thankful for you, Tav.”

Tav’s heart leapt, a sweet warmth spreading through them. “I'm thankful for you too, Gale.”

Gale smiled, relief crinkling the corner of his eyes. “Here,” he said, fussing with the flowers in his hands before stepping closer and tucking a dandelion behind Tav’s ear. His hand moved to caress their cheek, admiring the way the yellow complimented their skin. “There we are,” he hummed, brushing a thumb over their cheekbone. “Beautiful.”

“Gale,” Tav murmured, leaning into his palm.

“Hmm?” His eyes lowered to their lips, lingering for a moment before flicking up to their eyes.

“They’ll be waiting for us,” Tav said, even as they began to lean in.

Gale brushed his nose over theirs, sharing labored breaths. “Let them wait.”

“Your pie might burn,” Tav teased, sliding their hand up Gale’s chest, the expensive fabric of his tunic divine under their calloused skin.

“I don’t give a damn if the whole camp burns to the ground.” Gale pressed his lips to Tav’s, as gently as he could manage for fear of startling them, and deep, contented sigh heaved from his chest. Tav fisted his tunic and kissed him back harder, a flame of desire igniting in their belly when Gale obliged, opening his mouth for Tav. They licked inside his mouth, tasting pumpkin and and a few stolen blackberries, so unbelievably sweet, and he let out a low groan.

Unable to hold himself back any longer, Gale took charge of the kiss, angling their head to the perfect position for him to delve deeper. He relished in the taste of them, the smell of their skin and the eagerness of their kiss, allowing it all to wash months of uncertainty and doubt away.

The orb hummed in his chest, a lavender light beginning to glow between them, and Gale reluctantly retreated from the kiss, his eyes fluttering shut as he basked in the feeling a moment longer.

Tav’s fingers traced over the mark of the orb on his skin, admiring the way his muscled chest rose and fell under their touch, a slack, slightly dazed expression on his handsome face. “We should get back,” Tav murmured, already formulating a plan for sneaking into his tent later that night.

“Right, of course.” Gale’s eyes finally opened, their color like liquid amber, and he offered an arm to them.

They walked arm and arm back to camp, finding Astarion and Shadowheart had returned. Together, the party toiled away the afternoon cooking, decorating, and drinking, enjoying the mundane domesticity of preparing a meal.

Just before sunset, the turkey was finally finished. Tav and Astarion had spent over an hour assembling and decorating the table, and it sagged under the weight of dozens of plates of food: deep red berry jam, golden loaves of crusty breads, herb-roasted potatoes, succulent and crispy turkey with gravy poured over top.

It was everything Tav imagined, and their heart glowed as everyone took their seats. Gale sat beside Tav, topping up their goblet of wine before they stood to make a toast.

“While the circumstances that brought us together may be less than ideal, there’s no braver band of idiots I’d like to travel Baldur’s Gate with than you all. You have my endless gratitude and admiration for your sacrifices, your hard work, and for indulging my many flights of fancy.” Tav wiped a tear from their cheek, raising their goblet. The others did the same, but before Tav could finish, Gale rose.

“Sorry to interrupt, darling. But I have something I'd like to say." Gale cleared his throat. "There's a kind of magic no spell can bring, and you, Tav, you bring that that magic to our lives every day,” he said, eyes shining with affection. “To Tav!” He declared, wrapping his free arm around their waist and raising his glass with the other.

"To Tav!” The party chorused, aggressively clinking their glasses together so wine sloshed over the table.

They dug into the array of food, trading stories and laughing as the sunset and the stars winked to life, candles illuminating the table and around the camp.

“I quite like this stuffing,” Gale said quietly to Tav, placing another forkful into his mouth. “Perhaps I could show you my personal recipe a bit later?”

Tav nearly choked on their wine, heat scorching their cheeks. “After dessert?” They asked, raising a brow.

“Oh, darling. You are dessert. And I intend to eat my fill.”

“All your terrible flirting is giving me autumn-y ache,” Karlach muttered, trying to hide her smile behind a turkey leg.

“Well, I think it’s a gourd-able,” Shadowheart replied.

“I”m not drunk enough for this,” Wyll grumbled, tipping back his goblet.

“Oh, come now. The meat isn’t the only thing that needs basting,” Astarion teased, and Halsin nearly fell out of his chair from laughing so hard.

“I love it when you talk turkey to me,” Tav murmured to Gale, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

The wizard flushed scarlet and chuckled. “I think Thanksgiving might be my new favorite holiday.”

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving! 🍂༘⋆༄˖°.

Alsoooooo, I'm collecting ideas for some hoilday fics! If you have anything you'd like to see, feel free to leave a note in my asks! You can see everything I write for in my pinned post, and if you have an idea you don't see there, send it anyways!

[jazzy-art-time]

Thanks

CW: cooties

It’s that Turkey thanks day here where I’m at. So I figured I would be that cringe fucker who gets overly insightful on today for a change.

But I figured I would sit down and tap for a second for anyone who would glance over at me today.

This past year has been, a lot for me. Good n bad and stuff but.

I wanted to say thank you to my friends. My dear friends.

I don’t think I would be the man I am right now without you and your support.

Like literally, prolly wouldn’t have been Raymond without you. You helped me test out everything and become comfortable with becoming Raymond. I can never be thankful enough for that, I’m closer to who I am and want to be even. I cannot express my thanks enough for that.

You guys support my artwork and my characters so much. You guys let me yap for so long and you let me send so many paragraphs for hours about my shitty ass stories and OCs. You’ve listened to so much Jolene Bennet and Pinky BrainRot you deserve awards. It seems silly but it means a lot to me that you guys are willing to listen to me insanity. I’m not that interesting of a person, so my characters are all I’ve got going on, it just means a lot that you are willing to listen.

You have also had to bear witness to the Birth of Jarble as well as its continued development. Which is very special to me due to why I made Jarble to begin with. It means the world that I can feel comfortable sharing it, developing it, getting tips and bouncing ideas back and forth. Jarble went from a shitty AU I made to escape from everything into something I hold dear to me. It’s special now, it might have died out and fizzled. So thank you for helping me create something special. Also the fact that I’m willing to share my writings with you guys show how much I trust y’all, my writing sucks and you are the few who get to witness it. I will say however, fuck you for the sheer amount of Jeden emojis, he haunts me and you do this to me I’ll get you /silly

As well as you guys aren’t afraid to call me out on my shit. If I’m doing something wrong, if I’m being out of line or overreacting… you call me out. You come to me and talk and help me get better as a person.

You were in the trenches with me when I became a Aggressive, Distrustful person who snapped and was going crazy because I was being stalked. Helped me gain the courage to speak out when I got doxxed by Travis. Stuck with me when I had to change antipsychotic medications and I went absolutely batshit and had to go to the hospital. When I was stuck in bed for nearly two weeks because I was practically almost dying. You guys… for whatever reason. Stuck with me.

You didn’t have to stick around, I never would’ve judged you if you did. But you stuck around, you came to me and laid it all out on the table. You told me when I was being unreasonable or that I was hurting you with my actions. You helped me when you didn’t… really have to.

And you continue to help me, I’m a better person now and I know that. I don’t think I would’ve gotten as better as I am without you.

You support me, you help me when I’m lost or confused, you talk to me… you share Garfield things with me or if I’m upset you send a picture of your dogs or just.. you do so much for me.

I am forever thankful for everything. I’m not good at expressing emotions, I never have been. So perhaps it’s all just nonsense what I’m saying or maybe I’m repeating myself, I don’t know.

But thank you.

For everything.

I love you guys and I wish I could be better at explaining it… that way I’m not dropping a mile long scientific paragraph on you every few months

And a thank you for my Followers as well.

Which sounds like, cocky or something to say. I don’t know, feels weird standing here going “AND TO MY FOLLOWERS” but it’s hm.

ANYWAYS.

Thank you lot for sticking around!

Within the past year and a half I’ve… been different! I cut off all social stuff for the longest time and then went radio silent a lot posting wise. Almost all my blogs kinda went nonexistent. I deleted a lot.

And then I randomly went “hey guys look at this story I’m working on called Jarble. I will tell you absolutely nothing about it.”

But y’all still? Stuck around.

Which I know I’m just like, another guy on the dash posting stuff. So perhaps it isn’t that deep as I’m making it sound? I don’t know.

BUT REGARDLESS. You guys stuck around!

You guys watched as I went insane over a AU that I never said anything about. Which might’ve been annoying when you guys asked and I just never answered because I got self conscious lmaO. Yet you guys still showed interest and shared support!

When I decided to update my blogs again, welcomed me back and showed support when I expressed interest in doing stuff again.

Even welcomed me back when I decided to attempt to be social again and join discord servers! Which was… hard for me and a 1000% awkward! Cuz I went insane and then shuffled back like a fool. Yet! Here I am!

You guys keep supporting me, sending me asks and supporting me and my work despite it all

And I thank you for that! I appreciate it and it makes me feel special when you guys appear to show genuine interest in my dumb characters and stories…

I know I’m just another idiot on the feed, but it means a lot to me that you stick around and glance in my direction.

So all in all

Thank you guys.

To everyone.

End of cooties

Edit: also thanks to my fiancé I guess. Whatever. You’re sitting right across from me and I might throw a cracker at you. But you alright I guess. 🙄🙄 don’t choke on the Turkey BabyGirl

[edenfenixblogs]

To OP:

OP, I’ll never be able to thank you enough for this.

As a Jewish person, the most actionable response I have to this post is to PLEASE NEVER BE AFRAID TO SAY YOU ARE NOT JEWISH. PLEASE SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT JEWISH.

This is NOT because you are co-opting our pain if you don’t. Don’t worry! It’s because there are so few Jews in the world and it is alarming to the extreme that most of the acknowledgments and condemnations of what we are experiencing right now are 1) primarily from Jews or 2) dismissed by non-Jews because we are perceived as biased rather than accurate sources about the racism perpetrated against us. Whether or not it SHOULD be necessary is, unfortunately, a non-issue. Because at this time it is necessary. It is necessary both to show Jews that we are not alone at a time where we feel extremely isolated and alienated. It is also necessary to give legitimacy to our perspective to those who refuse to listen to us about our own subjugation, persecution, and oppression.

One tag that I use very often is “life under stochastic threat.” I use it because Jews are very much under attack worldwide right now in ways that are outright violent or that encourage isolation and fear without outright violence. Because there are so few Jews in the world and we are so spread out in diaspora, people don’t often see our suffering in the same way they would if we were all in one place. It is easy to write off one incident of violence in France and a violent mob in Amsterdam and some extremely rough stories from college campuses in Canada and America. Why is it easy? It’s easy because there are people who take things to extremes everywhere. And people can easily say “oh, it was just one synagogue.” “Oh, it was just one coffee shop.” “Oh, it was just one professor.” But the problem is that it’s “just one” SOMETHING in every single Jewish space everywhere in the world. Which means it’s something every Jew can s experiencing right now.

When you identify yourself as non-Jewish, you both signal yourself as safe as well as someone who is willing to combat the stochastic threat in the spaces in which you participate. Even if you don’t know any Jewish people, the people who you know might know Jewish people or even just have opinions on Jewish people. And it’s extremely comforting to know that people like you exist in places we can’t reach, because it means we don’t have to rely only on ourselves to combat antisemitism, which is often how it feels.

As for Jewish contributions to Buddhism: I cannot speak to Buddhism specifically, but I can say that seeking knowledge and understanding are core Jewish values and we deeply care about increasing knowledge and helping others do the same.

I deeply agree with the Buddhist perspective on hatred being a poison. I think that’s a wonderful way to put it.

Your post means a lot to me. Especially because I worry about how much Jew hatred can fester in communities where no Jews are present. Simply because the biases are so deeply engrained into most cultures as a result of Jews being around and despised for so long and in so many places. To know that you and voices like you exist in the world is more comforting than I can ever express.

Thank you for everything you’ve done here. It may not seem like a lot. But it’s so, so much. 🩵

To Other Non-Jews Speaking Out For Us:

I love you. I love you all. Thank you for what you’re doing. I know it’s not easy or comfortable. I don’t have the words to express my gratitude.

Why do you care so much?

I've been asked this question a few times in the past year - why I spend so much time thinking, reading, and reflecting on antisemitism, especially because I am not Jewish myself. There are a few reasons, really. One of them is that I think antisemitism is a hatred that spawns other hatreds, but even if it did not, it would still be worth studying, because the fact that it is a hatred at all is enough. The fact that antisemitism impacts Jewish people is enough of a reason to oppose it.

It's also because it's important to oppose because of the way it damages the thinking habits of people who believe it. I saw somebody say, "Jew-Hate makes you dumb," once. And though I think it was probably an off the cuff statement for them, it stuck with me, and I think they're right. In my religion, we say hatred is one of the three poisons - it can seriously harm your mental well-being in a way that deepens your suffering in all aspects of life. Often, hatred can also be spread like a contagion. It's something that destroys social harmony and causes severe social dysfunction. And right now, I think antisemitism is the most contagious of hatreds - I've seen people in my life fall off the cliff, I've been able to talk some back from it, and I've seen how so many people wander towards it without any idea that that's what they're doing.

Part of the problem is that antisemites consider themselves righteous in a way I think most racists don't. Often, you'll see "I'm not racist but" I almost never see that with antisemitism. They don't add that qualifier. They just say it. Most racists I know will make a tacit acknowledgment of the racist implications of what they're about to say - antisemitic people don't. They often even engage in anti-Jewish racism while invoking anti-racism.

I don't really know any Jewish people in real life, perhaps only two. But I don't need to know them to know that hating them is wrong. I think I also have a debt of gratitude to many people in the Jewish community because of the advances in Buddhist Studies made by Jewish people, which sounds strange - but it's true that many leading voices and researchers, both in academia and within Buddhism itself happen to be Jewish. I'm not sure why this is, but it's absolutely true. The most prolific translator of Pali into English that I can think of is Jewish. The most impactful Vipassana instructor in America I can think of is Jewish. The most impactful voice in Deity Yoga, for Tibetan Buddhism, is Jewish. People who are Jewish, for some reason, contributed probably more than ex-Christian Americans or atheists combined to the proliferation of Buddhism in the United States.

Buddhists and Jewish people are known to have a close relationship. There are a lot of different reasons for this that I would suggest, but none that add up to explain the amazing contributions to Buddhism made by American Jews.

I think another reason I have for being so interested in antisemitism as a non-Jew is the kind of... political disillusionment I've been experiencing? It's been a disturbing few years, and I haven't seen many people elaborate very well on this feeling of abandonment and horror, witnessing people who you thought shared your values become hateful and deeply violent in their beliefs. The only people I've seen consistently speak about it happen to be Jewish.

I think all of this has helped contribute to a feeling of closeness to Jewish people as a group, despite that I don't really know Jewish people in my real life, and only have one or two Jewish friends online. This year has been a horror show of watching people's minds become twisted - it's so scary in a way I can't quite capture with words right now.

I also sometimes have a back and forth with myself about when and if to mention I'm not Jewish when I talk about antisemitism, because I do think it's totally necessary to explain the perspective from which I speak, but to be honest it feels kind of icky to be like "I'm not Jewish, but antisemitism is bad", because antisemitism is bad whether or not the person saying so isn't Jewish, and I think it might be a negative for people to think "not being Jewish" is something which makes it any less valuable to be against antisemitism, and talk about how against it you are. It's very real that people who talk about antisemitism are perceived to be Jewish, and obviously, it's important not to lead people into thinking you're Jewish when you're not, but adding an "I'm not Jewish" qualifier to statements about antisemitism I worry might contribute to the perception that those against antisemitism are Jewish.

Antisemitism is such an insidious ideology. And it's everywhere. I see it daily in so many different spaces. It has the largest impact on Jewish people, but it also impacts non-Jewish people at times. I distinctly remember being mocked throughout school for "looking Jewish." I think about that Greek restaurant which was attacked because they were thought to be Jewish. Or that man in the Amsterdam violence who tried to help and was then accused of being Jewish himself. It's so deluded, violent, and manages to consume people's thoughts like a parasitic worm in their brain.

Anyways, I planned for this post to be more organized. Oops.

[miijiu]

Hello, sorry for the long text and for using English, my Chinese isn't good enough to write to you properly.

I wanted to thank you for always writing your thoughts about Silvaze ⚪🟣 and expressing your reasoning and/or passion behind the two. My favourite Sonic game story has always been 06, but the difficulty in finding others who also find love in the story due to the memes and universal hate (which I believe to be from of the lack of understanding of the themes and narrative) makes it rather lonely.

I'm glad to hear you share the same thoughts that ⚪ is essentially a "shonen protagonist" as he's the one who wants to become a hero for others (versus 🔵 who fights for what he likes, and ⚫ who fights against what he dislikes). ⚪ Thinks about the morality of it all; one of my favourite things is that... He didn't hesitate in killing 🔵 at first, even mocking 🔵, yet when 🌹 protects 🔵...!! Because ⚪ spent time with 🌹, he re-evaluates the situation and wonders if it's the right thing to do! His earnesty and kind-heart is what separates him from 🟣!! Where 🟣 says "you're so naive" (I do think it's better if it was localised as "you're too soft" due to the double meaning of naive...) as 🟣 believes they cannot miss their chance to change the future. I love how ⚪🟣's obligations ties them together yet their differences still show... And that's what 🟣 likes about ⚪: his kind heart. Even in the end when 🟣 sacrifices herself, I find it interesting the English doesn't seem to have this line: "you should be prepared to make sacrifices", where it highlights ⚪🟣's differences; 🟣 is willing to go to the extremes, and ⚪ believes there's always another way, a kinder way, a better solution where everyone can win. It's why ⚪ is hope.

... Sorry, I ended up rambling unnecessarily.

I'm just very thankful you express such love for 06 and the writing, and also bring your understanding of the characters to light as it helps people like me realise we're not alone in this thinking. It must be difficult to express these thoughts publicly as the cultural difference and fanon skews the representation largely causing discourse or arguments which are entirely biased, yet you preserve and persist, and you create and share, thank you so so much 🤍💜

This means so much.

I dont answer to tumblr questions in general. but your words r really heartwarming and I hope you dont mind me sharing.

I relates to what u said. some of ur wording and understandings even capture the very essense of their characterazations that I found difficult to express.

I rlly like how you interpret the 🦔"naivety" as "kindness". I think that works enough to convey the subtext of the original language, and showing Silver's character arc in 06.

Thank you so much.🙏🤍💜

[heeambi]

Happy Thanksgiving to you all 🦃.

(Even if you don't celebrate, I just want to show how much I appreciate you.)

I am so thankful and grateful for all the wonderful followers and supporters who have shown their love and appreciation for my blog and me as an individual. Each like, interaction, and reblog mean the world to me, and I appreciate every single one of you for taking the time to engage with my content. Your support has encouraged me to continue sharing my thoughts and ideas, and I can't express enough how much the love and feedback from my followers has inspired me to keep going. I want to take some time to express my gratitude and appreciation to some of the most special people in my life. These are the closemoots and friends who I cherish the most, and I will be taking the time to write individual messages to each and every one of them to show just how much they mean to me.

Eun @jeoism

My dear Eun, words cannot even begin to express how grateful I am to have you in my life. Over the time we've spent together, you've brought an incredible amount of awesomeness and positivity into my life. Every memory and moment we've shared has been a true source of joy, and I can't wait to embark on even more incredible adventures together. Thank you for being such a wonderful person and for making my life so much brighter. Eun, you have a unique ability to make even the most ordinary days feel extraordinary and make me laugh even during the tough times. Your energy and enthusiasm are contagious, and I love how you always seem to find the silver lining in every situation. But beyond that, you're also an incredible friend. You've been there for me through thick and thin, offering a listening ear and a supportive shoulder to cry on. Whether we're sharing laughs or deep conversations, I always feel safe and loved in your company.

Rain @hmusunoo

My dearest Rain, I am so incredibly grateful and thankful for the day we met. From the moment I joined your server, I could feel the positive energy and light you brought into my life. Your decision to create this community has brought together such an amazing group of people, including you of course. Every interaction I've had with you has been filled with kindness and laughter, and I'm thankful for every moment we've shared. You have a way of making even the simplest things feel magical, and your creativity and enthusiasm are truly infectious. You always bring a smile to my face, whether you're sharing your latest sketches or cracking a joke. But beyond that, you've also shown me what it means to be a true friend. You make me feel seen and heard, and I know I can always count on you to be there for me through thick and thin. Thank you, Rain, for adding so much color and joy to my life.

Kaia @pshbites

Kaia, my awesome friend, I want to express my deepest gratitude for the laughter and excitement you've brought into my life. Every moment we spend together is filled with fun and joyful memories that I'll cherish forever. You have a unique ability to make even the simplest activities feel special, and I'm so thankful to have you as a friend. When I think of you, Kaia, I can't help but smile. There's something special about the way you light up a room with your presence, and your ability to infuse even the simplest moments with joy and laughter is truly magical. Whether we're having a deep conversation or just goofing around in the server, I always feel uplifted and inspired by your positivity. You've made my life richer and brighter, and I am so incredibly grateful for your friendship. No matter what we're doing, I always look forward to our time together. You have a knack for finding the joy and excitement in even the most ordinary things, and your enthusiasm is infectious.

Liv @liverspaghett

Liv, meeting you was a true gift, a privilege I don't take lightly. Your unique viewpoint on life has enriched my own understanding in ways I couldn't have imagined, inspiring me and broadening my horizons. I feel so fortunate to have crossed paths with you, and our conversations have been a source of continual fascination and learning for me. Every time we talk, I feel like I'm gaining new insights and ideas, Our conversations are like a breath of fresh air, a chance to step outside my usual perspective and explore new possibilities. I feel so energized by our talks, and I always look forward to the new things I'll learn from you. You have a way of making even the most complex topics easy to understand, and I appreciate the depth of your insights. But beyond that, I just enjoy spending time with you. You're a remarkable person, Liv, and I'm so incredibly thankful for our friendship.

Judah @jaemna

Judah, I want to express my gratitude for our friendship and the moments we’ve shared. Whether it’s talking about random stuff and silly things.. our conversations have been a source of comfort and depth in my life. You’ve always been an amazing person, patiently giving me a space to express my thoughts and feelings, and supporting me in ways I can hardly describe. I’m so thankful for your presence in my life. Talking with you is therapeutic, You’ve been a rock for me, a reliable friend I can count on no matter what. I’m grateful for the bond we’ve formed, and I look forward to many more talks and shared moments in the future. Thank you, Judah, for everything.

Leo @seung-log

Leo, meeting you has added so much joy and brightness to my days. Your sense of humor and kindness have lifted my spirits even when I was feeling down. You’ve been a source of comfort and support in a way that’s hard to put into words. Every time we talk, I feel uplifted and inspired by your positivity. Beyond that, you have a way of making every conversation feel meaningful. Whether we’re talking about serious issues or just sharing our day- to-day experiences, I can feel the depth of your thoughts and the care you put into our interactions. I appreciate the way you make me laugh, and your kindness has had a profound effect on me. You’ve made me look at the world in a different way, and I’m so thankful to have you as a friend.

Alex @hyuukas

Alex, even though you're taking a short break right now, I just want to let you know how much I value our friendship and how much I miss you. Every interaction we've had together has been so meaningful and memorable, and I feel so incredibly grateful for your presence in my life. Our conversations and shared experiences have left an indelible mark on me, and I miss having you around to joke around, laughs, and just chat about life. I know life gets busy, and we all need our breaks sometimes, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and missing your company. I hope your break is rejuvenating and fulfilling, and I look forward to the moment you decide to come back and pick up right where we left off.

Ada @aduh0308

Ada, I have to say, meeting you has been an absolute joy. Your creativity and inspiration have enriched my life in countless ways, and I'm incredibly thankful for the unique perspective you bring to our interactions. Every conversation we have is like a burst of color and vibrancy, lighting up my world and sparking my imagination. You have an incredible ability to see things differently, and your insights always leave me feeling inspired and motivated. Love you pook

(Also! Hope you don't mind the tag..)

[miss-tc-nova]

With Reckless Choices - Leona Kingscholar x Reader Pt 6

So this is kind of a long one for silly reasons. But I couldn't help imagining something a little different.

Premise: What if they lived different lives?

Words: 3,344

Music Inspirations: Rewrite the Stars - The Greateset Showman

~~~Another Life~~~

               Excitement buzzes in my chest like electricity on the verge of bursting. My elation brings with it queries from those I encounter through the day, most assuming that the prince and I have a lovely evening planned. I don’t correct them of which prince, however. Perhaps I should care more about such guesses, but my thoughts are far too gone to really dwell on those worries.

               “Your highness, are you feeling alright?”

               Coming to a halt, I look to the only person who’s questioned my sanity today. My escort too stops in the middle of the trail, auroral eyes blinking rather unassumingly. My arched brows furrow together.

               “I’m doing quite well actually. Why do you ask?”

               Ever stoic remains his expression. “My apologies. I just thought that you weren’t quite your usual self today.”

               Maybe I am going a bit overboard. Still, a soft smile overcomes me.

               “I guess it is a bit out of sorts for me.” Fluttering feathers of twitterpated love birds find my admiration upon a garden hedge. “I can’t even remember the last time I felt like this.”

               Though he knows not why I smile, the young guard mirrors the sentiment. “Then I’m glad to hear you’re in such high spirits, your highness.” He gestures further along the path to continue our walk. “I presume you’ve no more meetings to attend today. What do you intend to do with the rest of your day?”

               “Not much.” Lies, typically bitter in nature, taste all too sweet today. “Perhaps I’ll simply relax in a hot bath and read in my room.”

               “If it’s not too bold to say, you’ve spent a lot of time alone in your room of late. Wouldn’t you prefer to spend time with His Majesty?”

               There my smile slips. “I’m sure His Majesty has more pressing matters he’d rather address.”

               “How can you be so certain?”

               “Because he always does.”

               His walk once again pauses to look back at me while I continue right past him. That statement had come without thought though I forgot with whom I was speaking—one of the heir’s closest friends. Thankfully, my callousness does not come up again.

               Our afternoon walk meanders the garden and concludes at the threshold of my room. Before I slip away for the evening, he addresses me once more.

               “You know, if you’re ever feeling lonely, I’d be happy to be your company.”

               I know he means well; he always has. Of all the royal staff, he’s been the one most amicable to me. But his proximity to the future king has me apprehensive.

               “I appreciate the offer, Silver. I’ll keep that in mind. Good night.”

               “Good night, your highness.”

               The door clicks shut between us, followed shortly by the lock.

               And with that, I’m free.

               Excitement comes rushing back, flooding my veins with adrenaline. Ripping through my room, I cannot get ready fast enough. Thoughts of warm hands infect my skin with goosebumps, their touch sending my heart aflutter.

               It’s not that anything particularly exciting or important is happening today. Life outside our scandalous little paradise had simply gotten in the way, dragging out this woeful separation for several weeks now. Added to the fact that it’s impractical for me to have a phone in the first place, it’s not as if I can spend my day texting my lover to assuage this yearning. Needless to say, having Leona Kingscholar in my arms again can’t come soon enough.

               A quick message precedes the portal that opens wide to a particular room in the palace of Sunrise City. My elation sends me leaping through, right into the arms of a lion caught off guard. Nevertheless, a chuckle ripples in his chest, the happiness infectious as he holds me close.

               “Didn’t realize you could get any clingier.”

               His snark cannot douse the high evident on my face. “I’m sorry. I could go.”

               That grip tightens, a daring gleam in his eyes. “Go ahead and try.”

               Giddy quips falter in the face of adoration. His kiss is like a fresh breath of air, bringing vibrancy to my grey life and I wonder how I ever lived choking on smoke. Just as I imagined, greedy palms press against my skin, not-so-sneakily slipping beneath my shirt to press against my lower back, eliminating what little space didn’t exist between us.

               A soft click breaks the kiss, quickly chased by another and another, Leona as greedy for this reunion as I’d been. My own laughter interrupts his indulgence.

               “Didn’t realize you could get any clingier.” His own words are sweet on my tongue, a close second to those lips.

               A lazy sneer displays his annoyance. “Real funny.”

               “I thought so.” Irritation melts beneath my touch ghosting his face. “So where are we going?”

               Disengaging from my arms, Leona pats a pile of linen atop his bed. “I thought some time where literally no one can bother us would be good.”

               “Oh? And where could we go for that?”

               I love that smirk. “Same place you took me on our first date.”

               A second ticks by, maybe two, before I understand. “Yeah? Where no one can hear you scream?”

               Turning away, I draw up our transport. But just as the magic reveals the destination, a hand sneaks under my arm to snag my chin. The warmth of his chest against my back sends fire up my spine. Heady breath whispers past my ear as his deep voice consumes every coherent thought.

               “Let’s be honest, if anyone’s screamin’ tonight, it’ll be you.”

               The force of his implication shakes my very core, nearly disrupting the portal to our escape.

               There’s a swagger in his steps as the lion struts on past, arms full of blankets. The smarmiest grin sits on his face as he looks back to offer me a hand.

               There are those claws again, so plainly bared to ensnare my heart and drag me in.

               It’s too late to hesitate anyway.

               Stars glitter across the night sky, glorious in its fathomless depths. Some pale beside the moon that brings light to our nirvana, but the view’s magnificence reigns all the same. Hills of sand stretch endlessly in all directions, the soft texture conforming beneath bodies and blankets

               Though the sun has long since receded, I find more than enough warmth in the presence of my love. Conversation fills the silence, his baritone I could listen to for hours.

               “Hey, this is for you.”

               From his discarded jacket, my lion produces an envelope.

               My finger traces the blank face. “A gift? Whatever could it be?”

               “You want me to tell you or you gonna find out?”

               With a small chuckle, I take the paper and tear open the spine. Inside is a single paper—no, not a paper. It’s made of something thicker, but still paper-esque. The rectangle is printed in red and gold, a familiar insignia of a lion on one side. In bold, it reads “National Championships.”

               I can’t suppress the urge to tease him. “Is it presumptuous to assume your team is the Lions?”

               Exasperation rolls his eyes. “Hey, I didn’t name the team.”

               “So the big championship game, hm?”

               “Thought it would be rude if I didn’t invite my biggest fan. So I got you the best seat in the house. Kifaji was pissed I told Cheka he couldn’t come.”

               “Oh you think I’m a fan?”

               “Of the sport? Nah. Of me? Well, yer pretty crazy ‘bout me.”

               “I should not be feeding that ego of yours.”

               “What ego? You know I’m right.”

               He very much is. “Yes yes. I’m crazy for my clever kitty.”

               “Yeah, you are.”

               We settle back into the sand, the silence comfortable. My words, however, echo in my ears, bouncing off stray thoughts of the reality of our lives. It doesn’t take much for a desire to give itself a voice.

               “Can you imagine if things were different?”

               An ear flickers. “Huh?”

               “What if things were different and we were just normal people, with normal lives and normal worries.” My eyes trace the stars, sending thoughts to a world that never was. “Maybe I’d have a little book shop or something to pay bills—saving every spare thaumark just to treat myself a little down the road. Maybe I’d go to the markets, picking out fruits and vegetables for dinner.” His disgust at non-meat products draws a giggle. “Maybe I’d know how to cook all sorts of food, even though I’d have to do the dishes after. Living in my own little place without all the pressure to uphold appearances.”

               Propping himself up on an arm, Leona looks down at me. “You really think about that stuff?”

               My shoulders shrug. “Sometimes. What kind of life would you have? If you weren’t Leona Kingscholar?”

               Leona lies back down, his contemplation rising to the sky. “I’d probably be a shitty manager at some game shop or something.”

               That I was not expecting. “What?”

               “It’d be easy, makin’ all the grunts do the hard work while I get to test out board games all day. Maybe I’d finally find a decent chess opponent.”

               “You’d have to put up with a lot of children.”

               “That’s what the grunts are for. You think I’d really step out of the back office with kids around? Fuck that.”

               Laughter bubbles in my chest. “I should’ve known.”

               “And you know, my way to work goes right by this little book shop.” A coy quirk plays at his lips.

               It’s contagious. “Oh?”

               “Yeah, I mean it ain’t fancy or nothin’.” He thinks he’s funny. “But the owner is pretty cute.”

               Sitting up, I peer down at the smug cat. “Just cute, huh?”

               “Okay, fine. Maybe there’s a reason I’m always late for work.”

               “Leona!” I tease.

               “Hey, I said I was shitty manager.”

               “You know, I think I saw some stray cat standing outside my shop a few times. Thought I might have to call the cops but, you know, he’d be pretty attractive if he stopped creeping around.”

               “Then I guess I’ll just have to wander in and have a chat—use every bit of charm I got to ask for a date.”

               I pretend to consider. “Mmm, I suppose one date wouldn’t hurt. I hope it goes well.”

               “I’ll make sure it does. It’ll be the best damn date on a lowly manager budget. And whatever falls flat I’ll just cover up with a little charisma.”

               “I hate to tell you, but I can see right through that cheesy charisma.”

               “But you love it anyway.”

               That toothy grin has me there. “I suppose your efforts earn you another chance.”

               “That’s all I need. One chance leads to another and another, and pretty soon I got you hooked.”

               “I don’t know, I might be busy with that bookshop.”

               “I already manage one store. Keepin’ track of your dinky little shop wouldn’t be hard to pick up.”

               “What makes you think I’d let you manage my shop? You don’t even manage yours.”

               “’Cause you wouldn’t have a choice. I been hanging around, pickin’ up a few things. Before you know it, I’m watchin’ the shop while you got some errands or something. Probably didn’t even notice I got a second set of keys made.”

               “That’s kind of unsettling.”

               “What? Couldn’t keep taking yours every time you stepped out. Also made a copy of your apartment key while I was at it.”

               “Leona!”

               “Not for creepin’, sheesh. Calm down. Jus’ for emergencies. You know, like watering plants while you’re gone or checking your mail.” With each excuse, his grin gets cheesier. “Or bringing over dinner, or borrowing dinner, or naps.”

               I knew it. “What happened to your place?”

               “I got this wannabe-model roommate with a stick up his ass. He keeps harping on about stupid shit so the sooner I can find a quiet napping spot, the better.”

               “You’re incorrigible.”

               He does not deny.

               “Well, I suppose if I’m expected to come home to a bum passed out in my house, you might as well have the keys to earn your keep. But I expect you to do your own laundry. And could you at least let me know when we’re out of milk?”

               “Hell, I’m not useless. I’ll pay for what I eat. Damn.”

               “And unless you’re paying for a cleaner, you better make sure your garbage finds its way to the trashcan.”

               “Yeah yeah. Fine.”

               In brushing a hand through his hair, it pauses just behind his ear where I rub my thumb. I love the way his eyes flutter at the touch. “It’ll be nice to have the company.”

               “Woah, don’t get me wrong. I’m not just a roommate. You let me in the house and we’re serious.”

               “I didn’t let you in.”

               “Same difference. We’re that couple that have been together so long, everyone knows we’re together.”

               “You broke into my house.”

               “And you let it happen.”

               My brow arches, but Leona’s gaze finds the stars again.

               “You’re always the first out of bed, makin’ breakfast before heading out to open shop. After you’re gone, maybe then I’ll get outta bed—when I won’t be in your way. I pull my weight, even if I have to deal with teaching snotty kids how to play chess. Maybe if I have extra cash, I’ll buy lunch and bring it over before I have to get back to work. If you’re lucky, there’s a cinnamon roll for a special treat.”

               “A whole cinnamon roll?” I tease.

               “I didn’t say that. But who knows, I might actually take work more seriously, grab an extra shift or two. Gotta save up if I’m ever gonna get that ring.”

               The breath hitches in my throat.

               “Might not be fancy or anything, but I do my best to make it mean somethin.’ A quiet night in, takeout ready when you get home, couple candles, cheap champaign, and the sappiest music I can find.”

               By now, he’s got me mesmerized. “And what do you say?”

               “I dunno. Probably somethin’ stupid. Romance ain’t never been my best subject. Honestly, I probably screw up whatever plans I had and you start laughin’ at me. Might get a little frustrated, but I do eventually spit out that you mean a lot to me. And that maybe I don’t deserve you, but I’ll spend my life trying to do what I can to make up for it.”

               “Leo…” I murmur.

               Leona pushes himself back up, taking a moment to bask in the feel of my hand against his face.

               “And then I ask you to marry me. ‘Cause I want us to share everything. A house, a bed, bills, achievements, secrets, troubles, laughs…”

               I can tell there’s one more thing he wants to say, but just the gleaming light in his eyes tells me all I need to know.

               “You’d do that?” The intensity of his statement has my voice weak.

               His forehead meets mine softly. “I wanna be there every moment. I’ll do the chores, so you have time to enjoy. When you come home from a bad day, I’ll grab the blankets and put on some stupid show for us to watch.” He brushes his nose against mine. “I’ll even learn how to use the stupid microwave to make soup when you’re sick. I’ll take care of you. Every day. For the rest of our lives.”

               Somehow, his voice becomes even softer.

               “’Cause I’d do anything for that pretty little shopkeep at the bookstore.”

               When his lips meet mine, I almost can’t believe this is Leona. So far every kiss has been voracious hunger, consuming everything. Even after his confession, his deepest desires burned bright so that he could hold fast his treasure.

               This is entirely different.

               Soft, sweet content pours from his mouth. It floods into my chest, swelling in my heart as I too find solace. Each move drags me deeper and deeper, drowning me in a euphoria I would willingly succumb to.

               Meanwhile, a warm hand finds the small of my back, guiding my descent back to the blanket. This is when the kiss breaks, but his mouth quickly finds ways to continue its work. Every bit of skin exposed his lips find, each kiss a whisper of reverence. Fingers intertwine, praying to never part again. A knee over mine grants him better stability and I can’t help my leg hooking across it to keep him close. The air trembles in my chest at the feel of his tongue tracing my neck.

               Hands untethered begin roaming. Mine finds its way into his hair, nails trailing along his scalp. His, meanwhile, leaves my back to slip beneath the hem of my shirt. The chill of the night air vanishes beneath the warmth of his palm. In retaliation, I move from his hair, venturing down his chest, tracing the contours along the way. Finger tips dance at the edges of his pants, finding the cool metal of a buckle. The grip at my hip tightens and all else freezes. Leona moves not a single muscle, waiting for permission, while my finger hooks under the belt. Then it comes undone.

               A jarring buzz rips the soul from my body.

               Rolling onto my stomach, I scramble for the cellphone just out of reach. I can’t silence the alarm fast enough, nearly prepared to break the thing to shut it off.

               Awkward silence follows the fumble. Mentally, I curse myself for setting an alarm knowing what must happen now.

               I sit up, letting loose a heavy sigh. Every bit of willpower I can scrounge together is almost not enough to speak. “We should go.”

               In protest, arms drag me close, his face nuzzling into my shoulder.

               I murmur his name. “Leona, come on.”

               “Stay.”

               The softness of his word shakes my resolve. “I want to, but you know I can’t. I have wedding plans to tend to in the morning.”

               His face finally lifts, but when those harlequin eyes fall on me, I feel a twist in my stomach.

               “Then cancel.”

               “I can’t just—”

               “Cancel the wedding.”

               Barren sands preoccupy my gaze. I thought he was smart enough to know that would never happen.

               “That’s not an option.”

               All that pining weakness suddenly turns searing. The hint of a growl belies his words. “There’s always an option.”

               Though I’m cautious, I try to relay common sense. “Not always.”

               “Of course there is,” he snaps back. “Walk away. You don’t even want to marry that bastard. So don’t.”

               “It’s not that easy and you know it.” Before he retorts, I crawl out of his grasp. “There are consequences to—”

               “Damn the consequences.”

               “You can’t just say ‘damn the consequences’ and things will magically work out. I know you’re used to doing whatever you want, but that doesn’t work here. Not this time.”

               “Bullshit it doesn’t. You don’t go back. You tell them no. When they ask if you do, you say you don’t. You choose me.”

               “I can’t do that, Leona.”

               “Why not?!”

               “You know why!”

               “Then what am I—”

               I can’t take any more of this conversation.

               “THAT’S ENOUGH!”

               His mouth clamps shut, shock overwriting his anger. There’s a sting in my eyes when I spot the pain barely hidden.

               Hands trembling from frustration push the hair from my face in a feeble attempt to compose myself.

               “It’s time to go.”

               Without another word, I draw a line through space, opening the door directly to the prince’s palace bedroom. Gathering the blankets, I throw them through the magic and wait for Leona. Rounded ears lie flat and he keeps his gaze down, not saying a word as he steps through.

               “Goodnight Leona.”

               I just catch the sight of him whirling back before the magic snaps shut, leaving me all alone in this vast, desolate desert that feels so small. A shudder wracks my chest, nearly bringing me down, but the tears still escape into the dry sand.

               Once I manage to regain my composure, I redraw the magic, only this time, it leads to my room in Briar Valley.

~~~~~

Part 7 (Coming Soon)

Nova’s Twisted Wonderland Masterlist

[shrimshrim4fun]

Headcanons for Camellya:

Note: How do I see nothing about her 😭 Nobody writes about her, does nobody want content about her? I’m planning on posting about her more this week, anybody interested at all 😓

SFW:

-A very bit tease. Makes light jokes about how you do certain things but cannot handle other people teasing you. Even if it’s jokingly, she will glare at them and is proabably planning how she’s gonna torture them

-Loves clinging onto you especially when she’s napping. The vines from her body sprout out and wrap around you to keep you close not wanting you to leave. Her head usually pressed up against your chest as you both lay in the sun

-Your house is now filled with different flowers and plants. So many flowers everywhere. Even though there are so many the scent is pleasant like an alluring perfume. She loves it when you help take care of them with her. “How considerate of you, helping me water all of them. I hope you’re as excited as I am waiting for them to bloom…”

-Hates it when you’re out of her sight. She’ll find some way to keep track of where you’re going. In some way absolutely despises all your friends saying that they’re keeping you away from her and that you should get rid of them. Shes also really possessive always having a hand around you in public or clinging onto you. She’s obsessed and hates when you leave her side. “They’re trying to deprive me of the one thing that can make me happy. Oh isn’t it so mean of them…but don’t worry I can make them all poof if you let me”

-Sometimes she gets hurt on purpose because she knows you’ll give her extra attention that day to tend to her injuries. She never gets injuries but she’ll make injuries on herself and dismisses it if other people ask. But with you she’ll be so exaggerative when you ask her about it and you’re the only one that she allows to treat her injuries. She love seeing the worried look on your face as if you actually cared. Usually these injuries are large and bloody. She’ll look at you fondly with a smug smile on her face as you tend to them. “Aren’t you gonna kiss them well? I promise that I’ll feel 100 times better if you kiss it better for me”

NSFW:

-Very expressive and loud. She doesn’t care if others can hear her, she’ll only giggle before getting louder. Will tell you how much she loves what you’re doing and how happy she is. “Oh yes~ you’re so good it’s making me crave more…MORE”

-A massive masochist. Love any and all pain you inflict onto her. The more it hurts the better. Temperature play, whipping, paddles, anything you want. Probably a sadist as well but more enjoys it when you inflict it onto her. She moans so much more every time you cause pain on her body. Will stare at herself in the mirror afterward to admire your work.

-Loves leaving marks on your body especially if it’s any that someone else can see like hickeys on your neck. So so so many claw marks on your back. A lot of the time she draws blood on these marking and will lick the blood away. Loving the metallic taste in her mouth. After sex, she sometimes stares at them with a proud smile. Isn’t too much of a biter but will occasionally nip your neck to catch you off guard. “Oh your even more beautiful like this, I wish to make you bleed my dear~”

-Mirror sex is a huge turn on for her. When you bend her over and slam the strap into her ass. My hand tugging her hair up as she sees herself in the mirror. The saliva slipping down the side of her mouth and how messy you two are entangled together like two vines.

-Aftercare consists a hot bath together and laying in bed. Usually with her laying against her, as she traces the red claw marks on your back as she hums softly. Your hand gently rubbing her back as you reassure her. The smell of her shampoo engulfs your senses as you nuzzle into her neck

[rennsdeaddoves]

I RUSHED TO MAKE THIS WHEN I SAW THE REF SHEET

*renn's edit; I'M GOING TO CRY!!!!! I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS OMGGGGGGG THIS ACTUALLY BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES SHE SO PRETTYYYYYYYYYYYY

jay you out did yoursellllf *

[ghostcreaturetypething]

This is the most beautiful thing I have seen in such a long time. Everything about it is so perfect, I can't explain. I am crying instead. Nona, you may never know how much I love you, but if you were to see this I hope you could see in it how much OP loves you, and from that guess at the feelings of the world in general. Me included. <333

The animatic I’ve been working on since last November is finally done!! Over 100 hours of work on this, much agony and tribulations, but it’s finally done.

[crystalcircus]

I JUST GOT THE FIRST BIRTHDAY CARD WITH MY NEW NAME ON IT AAAAHSHAHDSKCJDJFJDJFJDNFNDC

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING I AM SHAKINGGFGGGFFHXJCJDNCD

AAAAAAAAA

[unriding]

me n moze say good morning to the world !!! ᕙ( •̀ ᗜ •́ )ᕗ

art by @rabbbitseason of course <3

[tatakaeeren]

I can't get these two scenes out of my head. His eyes and lips say everything without saying a word.

[shannonsketches]

I grabbed a bunch of caps for that last post so here's a few more in my favorite genre of bejíta